Archive for the ‘Snow’ Category

Snowman Week

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

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I went to a local shopping emporium today to buy a bag of skim milk. The two regular lines that were open had about 6-7 customers in each one, and then there was an 8-10 item line open that had three people in it. So I lined up there. As I waited, Large Marge called out, “I’m open over here, next customer please.” Well wouldn’t you know it but this old woman, she must have been 85, rushed over to the open line, setting all sorts of land speed records. I’m telling you, she barrelled herself THRU the other customers, all I could see was this flash of blue hair making a b-line for the open till. When she got there she pulled out a receipt and said to the cashier, “I’d like to return this _______ (whatever it was).

The Mayor was stunned. Let’s face facts – old people have NOTHING to do during the day, they should always give way to younger people who are trying to get on with life. Old people should do their shopping between 8-10 am, then let the living do their shopping the rest of the time. I’m not even sure what an old person is doing outside at 5:30 pm, but returning things to shopping emporiums shouldn’t be on that list. I would have been fine if someone had hip-checked the old bird, putting her in her place.

After that disgraceful display of oldness, I found myself second in line behind a kid of about 10-12 and his grandpa. The kid gets up to the counter and asks the girls for some Pokemon Platinum cards – $5.25 a pack!!!! He actually asked for two packs, and his grandpa says, “make it FOUR packs!” The Mayor was once again stunned. The chickie rings the cards in – $24 and change.

The idiot old man pays the girl and the kid starts opening up his Pokemon packs. I turn to the cashier and said, “Isn’t there some occasion taking place in 9 days where that guy could give those cards as a present instead?” She looked me right in my good eye and said, “Don’t even get me started, I see that crap every day”.

I have just given you two reasons why the world deserves to come to an end, and two reasons why you should hate the human race. Greedy idiots the whole damn lot. I can’t blame the kid, he was only doing what kids do – extend hand and ask it to be filled with gold. But the old man should be punched in the ear. Same with the old woman. And sure, while we’re at it, let’s punch the kid in the ear, too.

Have I mentioned tis the season to be jolly?

Snowman Week

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

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I had a dream the other night that I was being held hostage in Lilliput by Lilliputians. But instead of just laying there all tied up with string and being tried by a Lilliputian court, I easily busted out of my wrappings and kicked the living hell out of every man and had sex with all the women. The women are 1/6 a normal persons height, and when all is measured out to proportion, my genitalia is actually a little larger than a Lilliputian man’s, so I was a real favourite with the babes. Sure, I’m pretty much admitting that I’m hung like a crippled hamster that just had a vasectomy, but on the bright side I have a 32G IPod and have like 9 movies on it. Hahaha, now who’s laughing?

Snowman Week

Monday, December 14th, 2009

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Although Christmas is a joyous and wonderful season, there are those out there that find it the most depressing time of the year. As Mayor of Mitchieville, I urge each and every one of you to ignore these people. This is the time for celebration, for family, for love. It isn’t the time for, “oh look at me, I have psychological problems”. The time to bring those feelings and thoughts to the foreground isn’t Christmas, it’s Valentine’s Day. Because if there’s one day that really shines a light on single, depressive losers, it’s Valentine’s Day.

Ho ho ho.

You Might Be Canadian If

Saturday, March 1st, 2008


you purchase a snow plow and attach it to your SUV.

~ Sisyphus