Good afternoon, everybody. Earlier today, I was briefed by my homeland security team on the events in Boston. Homeland Security personally contacted me as I was making my way to the 14th green. I couldn’t believe what they told me. For that matter, either could Zuckerberg, Jamie Diamond, and that other prick…the Jewish guy from Goldman Sachs…Lloyd Blankfein. I can never remember that pricks name. Blankfein. You would think that would be easy to remember. Perhaps I need a word-association to help me remember his name. Something like, “Shooting blanks.” That might just help.
Anyway, we were all shocked. Zuckerberg was so shocked he shit his pants. Diamond was so shocked he shit in Zuckerberg’s pants. My bodyman, Reggie Love, was so shock he could hardly massage my neck. We wuz all shocked. I was like, “please don’t tell me it was a Moslem that did it.” Sure enough…
The American people will say a prayer for Boston tonight. And so will i. You, at the church. Me, at the Mosque.
This was a despicable act. And to make things a billion times worse, the perp that has been apprehended was carrying a gun. A gun with a high-capacity magazine. A fully automatic gun with a high-capacity magazine that carried a lot of rounds of armour piercing bullets. High capacity bullets that explode on impact. As a matter of fact, he was carrying a fully automatic gun with a high capacity magazine and armour piercing bullets and a threaded barrel that is very heavy and used to take down gorillas and other large animals. The horrors!
It’s time we as Americans say no more. No more guns. This has to stop. If the killer’s gun had been registered we could have prevented this tragedy. How many more Boston Marathon Massacres® have to take place before we say NO MORE! No more guns! Think of the children. Think of the old people. Think of the planet.
Boston police, firefighters, and first responders as well as the National Guard responded heroically, and continue to do so as we speak. It’s a reminder that so many Americans serve and sacrifice on our behalf every single day, without regard to their own safety, in dangerous and difficult circumstances.
Mind you, they do get paid and it is their job to do this, so, ya. But still, they are hero’s because they did their job. One that they, ahhhhh, get paid to do.
Moving on, we have also learned that the gun carrying killer also had bombs, and placed these devices in trash cans where they inevitably went off and killed 2 people. We’re not sure how many thousands his guns have killed. I am having legislation being drafted as I speak, outlawing bombs, and, outlawing garbage cans. We don’t need a world full of killer guns, killer bombs, and especially killer garbage cans.
So there you have it, we are outlawing guns, bombs, and garbage cans. The only thing we are not outlawing are Saudi Arabians. Sure, they flew planes into our buildings killing thousands, and have been behind hundreds if not thousands of bombings around the world the last 20 years, and yes, the person who caused all of today’s destruction is a Saudi, but I’m instead going to bad garbage cans.
We have to remember, you cannot paint all Saudi’s with the same brush. Surely a few of them aren’t terrorists. And when we find one that isn’t we’ll let you know. So until then, more unchecked mass Saudi Immigration into our melting pot.
I just want to reiterate, we will find out who did this and we will hold them accountable. Unless it’s Eric Holder, any banker, black Panther, black anything, communist, socialist, liberal (redundant), or CEO that donated to my re-election fund. So, other than that, we’ll find you, you Tea Partying murderer and you’ll be in for a world of hurt.