Archive for the ‘Spam wow’ Category

Hardy Harr Harr

Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

It’s sad, but because of misinformation like this, the next one leg, one arm, one eyed Namibian boy named Ranji who has to ride to school on a crappy bike won’t get a dime when he solicits total strangers on the internet.

The Rich Are A Hurtin’

Monday, March 5th, 2012

It seems the economic downturn – that may or may not be happening – is affecting the rich as well as the poor. Since the poor don’t matter, have a boo at how the economic downturn – that may or may not be happening – is affecting the rich:

Schiff, 46, is facing another kind of jam this year: Paid a lower bonus, he said the $350,000 he earns, enough to put him in the country’s top 1 percent by income, doesn’t cover his family’s private-school tuition, a Kent, Connecticut, summer rental and the upgrade they would like from their 1,200-square- foot Brooklyn duplex.

“People who don’t have money don’t understand the stress,” said Alan Dlugash, a partner at accounting firm Marks Paneth & Shron LLP in New York who specializes in financial planning for the wealthy. “Could you imagine what it’s like to say I got three kids in private school, I have to think about pulling them out? How do you do that?”

Scheiner said he spends about $500 a month to park one of his two Audis in a garage and at least $7,500 a year each for memberships at the Trump National Golf Club in Westchester and a gun club in upstate New York. A labradoodle named Zelda and a rescued bichon frise, Duke, cost $17,000 a year, including food, health care, boarding and a daily dog-walker who charges $17 each per outing, he said.

The malaise is shared by Schiff, the New York-based marketing director for Euro Pacific Capital, where his brother is CEO. His family rents the lower duplex of a brownstone in Cobble Hill, where his two children share a room. His 10-year- old daughter is a student at $32,000-a-year Poly Prep Country Day School in Brooklyn. His son, 7, will apply in a few years.

“I can’t imagine what I’m going to do,” Schiff said. “I’m crammed into 1,200 square feet. I don’t have a dishwasher. We do all our dishes by hand.”

He wants 1,800 square feet — “a room for each kid, three bedrooms, maybe four,” he said. “Imagine four bedrooms. You have the luxury of a guest room, how crazy is that?”

The Mayor is sure that we all hurt for the lowly investment banker, and with that, The Mayor feels it is his duty to give some helpful words of advise to those who are making a tremendous sum of money each year, but are finding it hard to “make ends meet”. This is courtesy of Kavin Chandra:

hello sir

Sir I want to examine about the mail I am getting.sir this is from MICROSOFT AWARD CLAIMS OFFICE delarng me winner of Microsoft and giving me money 500000 pounds.Now on 11 december they take payment from me in Account Name: W. KAVICHANDRA SINGH

Account Number: 20039329453

Bank Name: STATE BANK OF INDIA

Branch: R.K PURAM and the phone number they use is 09953066957.They send it through courier taking courier charge s 15000 Rs Global Security And Delivery Freight Service {G.S.D.F.S} Customer/Delivery Services Department united kingdom.Now he sid Indian coustom is demanding 41,000 Rs which I will hve to pay in mornng he was sayin for four thousand which is deposited by my brother in GARMA.FASOIN./C No 072005000494 icici bank.But when reected by my family he sid that I am going back but his number is still orking.Now a mail come from Microsoft for sending it through Bank I said ok in that case they provide me Westhamp Shell Online Bank Plc they said to pay me 20,000 rs they said after that you will be able to proced ACCOUNT INFORMATION’S

The Mayor prays this helps.

Spam Zeppelin

Wednesday, July 27th, 2011

Hello,
I have an investment opportunity to share with you involving the transfer of a large sum of money.

I am Mr. Shunji Takeshi, Managing Director and chief Financial officer of Hang Seng Bank Ltd, here in Hong Kong. I need you

to assist me in dealing with the transfer of this money from Hong Kong to your country. Everything about this transaction

will be done legally without a hitch.

I wanna tell you bout my good thing
I ain’t disclosing no names but–
He sure is a good friend and!
I ain’t gonna tell you where he comes from, no!
If I tell you you wont come again! Hey!
I ain’t gonna tell you nothin but I do will, but I know, yeah!

Once the money has been transferred into your account, we shall share in proportion to be agreed by me and you.

I ain’t gonna tell you nothing I ain’t gonna no more, no!

 I will prefer that you reply me or mail back, through my private Email address, written above.

I shall give you more informations about this proposal, as soon as I receive your positive response

Please delete this mail if you are not interested. I do not aim to be in any stress with regards to my career and family.

I ain’t gonna… tell you one thing that you really ought to know ooh!

Your quick response will be appreciated.

            I know what it’s all about!
            Take it take it

Suck It, Spamming Scum

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

Today, Mitchieville lost a friend. A friend that was with us here for over two years. A friend that showed up on these pages every single day, in droves, day and night.

The Mayor has to be honest, now that our friend is gone, I’m rather happy. You see, although this “friend” was here every day, he was a colossal pain in the ass. Sure, our “friend” offered us many deals over the time he was with us 7     4    2. But The Mayor – and I believe I can speak for everybody in Mitchieville – would have preferred dropping a cinder block on the head of our “friend”, then taking his lifeless body to Fenris’ basement for some “experimentation    4     3    9.

“Latest by” and “MORE” are just memories now. Goodbye spamming scum, don’t let the door hitcha…

And that’s that.

And who is this woman in the picture, you ask? What do I look like, Google?

More Spam Wow

Sunday, June 6th, 2010

For those of you that have led a relatively clean life over the last year or so and have cut back on your intake of drugs and alcohol, there is a good chance you will remember The Mayor’s award-winning Spam Wow posts. Many of you probably thought at the time that there is not a chance that The Mayor will ever have a series of posts as good as those, and you’re probably correct, but I do have another short segment of Spammy type posts I’m sure you will or will not enjoy.

Grab a coffee, grab a smoke, and stop grabbing yourself, and join me for seconds and seconds of fun as The Mayor angers another Nigerian douchenozzle.

(more…)

Man Trying To Impersonate Governor Arrested — Held For Bad Spelling & Grammar

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

joe-somebody

A man has been arrested after trying to impersonate West Virginia’s Governor Joe Manchin. and he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for…well, he would have never gotten away with it:

HINTON, W.Va. – Bad grammar and spelling tripped up a man who was trying to steal Social Security numbers and other information from job-seekers by impersonating West Virginia’s governor, police said.

Matthew Don Reed of Hinton is being held on $10,000 bond on charges of impersonating a public official, impersonating a state Division of Natural Resources officer and forgery of a public document.

Reed told people he met online that he was a Division of Natural Resources officer and persuaded them to submit job applications with copies of their birth certificates and other information, State Police Sgt. T.L. Bragg told The Register-Herald.

Then he hired a Chicago man to send letters to people interested in jobs. That man got suspicious and called state officials after Reed gave him a letter purportedly from Gov. Joe Manchin to send to an applicant.

It lacked the governor’s seal and was riddled with spelling and grammar errors.

“It’s nice to have you as an employee of West Virginia,” the letter said. “Your super (boss) Matt talk a lot of thangs about you. I hope you stay with us a long time. If you got ? please ask Matt.”

It doesn’t help your cause if you’re trying to commit fraud and you happen to be functionally retarded. At the very least, run your fraudulent letters through SpellCheck first before sending them out.

This sounds more like the letters I get on a daily basis from various idjits out of Nigeria. On closer blush, this actually sounds like that Hope character that tried to make The Mayor rich but a few months back.  Hope, if that is indeed you, please email The Mayor, I’m finding it hard to live without your gentle love.

Spam Wow

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Dmorris is absolutely right: The people of Mitchieville have lost interest in this saga, and it’s easy to see why–you are all jealous of The Mayor, wishing you were in my size 12 Bruno Maglia’s, dating the lovely Hope from the refugee camp inside the beautiful country of Senegal. And btw, I did a little investigating, and found out that Senegal doesn’t export cheese. Imagine, they don’t even export 1 oz of cheese, they are actually a net importer of cheese. That’s pretty wild if you ask me.

Anyway, you haters will be happy to know that this is the last Spam Wow post. I wish I could say things ended well between Hope and I, but if I did I would be no more than a filthy liar. Truth be told, and as you will see, Hope dumped me. Am I sad? Sure I’m sad, I lost someone who was very important in my life. Will i eventually get over it? Ah ya, eventually I will, do you really think I’d spend the rest of my life depressed and crying, always having a heavy heart? Don’t answer that, I can feel a small water bubblet forming from the corner of my left eye. It may be a tear.

Let’s find out what happened, let’s see where exactly the train came off the tracks…

(more…)

Spam Wow–It’s Nearing The End

Monday, April 6th, 2009

I’m starting to get the feeling that Hope only wants me because of my money. I know, I’m being silly. I also get the feeling that all the shenanigans surrounding the real Sham Wow have somehow seeped into Hope’s mind and she is now holding it against me. Perhaps it’s the whiskey talking, but I feel as if something isn’t quite right about Hope, the Rev. and this whole situation. Maybe tomorrow when I’m sober things will make more sense. For now though, get off my lawn, you sonofabitch!

My Sweetheart,
 how are you doing hope you’re fine,if so thank’s be to God my love what is going on now have you send the money to rev johnson as you said, i am waiting hear from you,you know that my condition here is not good is you the only one that i have so you have to do ever thing to see that i am happy again i am waiting to hear from you soon,
your’s love hope.

**To which I responded…

Hello Hope,
 
I have to admit that today I am a little sad. I am sad because the Rev. said he needs the money by Western Union and I can only send a certified cheque. A certified cheque is as good as cash, if you got the cheque you could cash it at a neighbourhood convenience store.
 
I have no other way to send you this money but by certified cheque. You have seen the cheque, it is like paper gold.
 
I am especially sad because I know if you don’t get this money we will never see each other. What am I to do?
 
I need a hug and for you to tell me that everything will be okay. Most of all I need you love. Please tell me you love me, your words are all I have.
 
Crying like a little boy,
 
Sham

Spam Wow

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

I’m sure most of you are getting a little tired of The Mayor’s escapades by now, but I’ve invested too much sweat and love capital into my emails and relationship with Hope to just let this whole thing go down the tube. On the other hand, perhaps you’re not getting so much tired of hearing about my escapades as you are jealous  of my escapades. Whoa, I touched a nerve there, didn’t I? Sorry to hit so close to home, poopie pants.

My love,
   are with me? please reply me back if you are with me please i really feel your sweet mail.
i waiting to hear from you a lot of love hope love you.

Sugar,
 
I am so with you, are you with me?
 
I contacted the Rev yesterday and today, he is a stand-up guy. I think he is great. I also think he’s very honest. I even told him that. I said, “You seem honest.” Seriously, I really did say that.
 
I’m just waiting to hear the cheque mailing details from him so I can send you some money. It won’t be long until we are together.
 
Hope, tell me something about yourself, tell me a secret that no one knows.
 
Sham

Spam Wow

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

As if having a long distance relationship isn’t hard enough, now I have the added stress that my love, Hope, will read the news and find out that some poseur that goes by the name of Sham Wow–aka Vince Shlomi–is attacking women and mucking up their prostitutal faces. Great. Just great. I just pray that Hope doesn’t think Vince is me or I am Vince. Oh what a tangled web we weave… 

My Son,

God bless you and for your devoted kind gesture over Hope life, surely God will reward you back and bless you more and more

I will only give you the church account for you to make the deposit or send it through western union which ever one you  choose let me know.

God bless you,

Rev Johnson Isu 

Hello Reverend father
 
May the peace of God be with you, also.
 
I am touched by your email, my heart feels at ease, as if it was touched by the wings of a gentle angel. I thank you for your honestly and your forthrighteousness, I’m sure God will smile down upon you whilst keeping you safe and secure in his arms. That sounds right.
 
I will be perfectly honest with you, and I need you to keep this a secret from Hope, but I have bought her a diamond ring and I am going to ask her to marry me when I bring her back to my castle. I feel that we have come close, and even though an ocean and a large land mass separates us, love has no GPS, no roadmap, and no compass other than to point south to where my beaten and loving heart sits.
 
Reverend–I have a cheque for $4000.00 that I want to give to Hope, but she mentioned she can’t cash the cheque. I know I already told you this, and I may seem to be going over these details endlessly, as in there is no end, but my ending needs to end now. However, this cannot be the end, the end needs to be with you first, then officially ending with Hope and I–and with a little luck, our many babies.
 
Since it is impossible to send a cheque through Western Union, I will need to mail this to you directly. What is your mailing address where I can send this large cheque to? Also, I would like you to send me a picture, I want to keep as many memories of this wonderful experience as I can.

Sasha Harris–The Receiving End Of Sham Wow’s Fists

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

This is Sasha Harris, the prostitute Vince Shlomi, AKA the Sham Wow Guy, beat the tar out of last month.

Reports out of Miami Beach say that prosecutors declined to prosecute Vince Shlomi because, well, I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s okay to tee off on hookers in Miami, I’m not positive.

While I’m sure prosecutors have their reasons for not going after Sham, from the look of Sasha Harris, it makes one wonder if the story Sham told cops is true. Sham Wow told prosecutors that he punched Harris in the face because she bit his tongue and wouldn’t let go. First of all, and slightly off topic, the first rule of Fight Club is that you never stick your tongue in a hookers mouth, the reasons are self-explanatory.

Secondly, let’s say the hooker did indeed bite Sham’s tongue and wouldn’t let go–how the devil did he manage to punch her in the nose or hit her in the eyes from that position? Do the experiment right now. Put a pillow in front of your face, really squish it in there. Now try to punch the pillow away from your face. You see, you can’t get enough leverage to do it, can you?

What I think happened here is that the hooker did bite Sham’s tongue, but he poked her in the eyes with his thumbs, and when she fell back onto the bed, he punched her in the face a bunch of times. Fortunately for Harris, Shlomi punches like a girl, so the damage is relatively minor. Also, her black eyes are probably from getting smacked in the nose, not punched in the eyes. That’s why I think Vince smacked her around with a rolled up Sham Wow, but my theory is still in the early stages on concept.

Anyway, I know you’ve probably seen these photos kicking around the interwebs, but I’m sure you’re not sick of the in-depth coverage that this story has been given yet.

Sham Wow–Vince Shlomi Arrested

Saturday, March 28th, 2009

While most of you were just dropping into bed Friday night, drunk and reeking of whiskey, The Mayor sat at his computer, furiously typing out a post about the arrest of Vince Shlomi, the Sham Wow guy. And how did The Mayor find out about the arrest of Vince Shlomi? J.M. Heinrich was good enough to phone The Mayor at 3 am to tell me all about it. J.M. Heinrich was also good enough to tell The Mayor about the Illuminati and how the combustion engine was invented. Thanks, J.M., I owe you one! Or maybe even two…

Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face. After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. “Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons,”

It disgusts me when my person has a strong alcoholic odor.

Unless prostitutes have super-human tongue biting abilities, you would figure one good punch to their prostituting face would be enough to get tongue release. Vince though, he had to punch the prostitute “several times” to get tongue release.

I’m not judging either party here–because I believe it’s now a crime to judge someone, but I think Vince went about this all wrong. Vince should NOT have punched the hooker in the gob, he should beaten her with a rolled up Sham Wow. It says right on the Sham Wow website that Sham Wows will not *scratch any surface*, AND “cleans up spills fast”, Therefore, the hooker Vince was beating and attempting to have sexual relations with would not have received lacerations on her face, and if she did by chance start to bleed, he could have sopped up the blood via the Sham Wow.

I also hear it’s made in Germany, so that’s doubly good.

Another great thing about the Sham Wow is that it is machine washable and can be used over and over again. Imagine, for the low,  low price of $19.99, you will have enough Sham Wows to beat the hell out of a gaggle of hookers for the next decade or so. I’m telling you, if you ask any of the hookers The Mayor is beating, 99/100 will tell you they would rather be throttled senseless by a Sham Wow than by The Mayor’s granite fists of justice®.

Call now and you will not only will you get 10 Hooker Beating Sham Wows for only $19.99, but you will also receive 5 giant green utility garbage bags for any extra parts you may need to get rid. Operators are standing by.