It was July 9, 2008 when Mitchieville was introduced to Squirrel Fights. Wow, July 2008, The Mayor was just a little girl. Anyway, the constituents’ of Mitchieville demand their bread and circuses, and The Mayor aint nuttin’ if he aint a panderin’ to his constituents’ trivial pursuits.
Click on the Squirrel Fights tab above these words to find the whole series. It’s totally worth it.
Last night I promised to bring a contest to you that was so exciting you would urinate in your dungarees. Well prepare to pee, because Mitchieville presents: Squirrel Fights 2008.
The object of this game is simple: you bet on the outcome of each individual squirrel fight and the winner of the most fights after all is said and done will be declared grand champion and will get a few crappy prizes. Hell, I’ll even let you keep the squirrels if you want, Fenris doesn’t need them.
Nancy, our friend from Naples, gave me this idea when she sent me the first squirrel you see in the line-up: The Mango Muncher. I looked at Nancy’s squirrel, looked at my squirrel, looked at Nancy’s squirrel again, looked at mine, and decided that these two squirrels would do well to kick the living crap out of each other.
I can’t guarantee that the squirrels won’t get hurt, most likely they will. It’s the survival of the fittest out there, if a certain squirrel isn’t in fighting shape, then there is a good chance it will be taking a dirt nap at the end of the competition.
Every few days I will put two of the shown squirrel’s in a pillow case and let them fight it out until one of the squirrel’s concedes defeat. The night before a fight, I will feature on these pages, which squirrels will be duking it out. It is up to you to guess the winner. At the end of the competition, the person with the most victories will be declared the champion.
Let’s have a look at our competitors:
The Mango Muncher: 32-3-0 27 ko’s. This fella has a stellar record on the squirrel fighting circuit and is a vicious competitor. Owned by Nancy, and trained out of Naples Florida, MM is the favourite to win this competition. Odds 5/2. Finishing move: The Cranium Crunch.
Hailing from Calgary Alberta and fighting out of the Godless Commies garage, Kolonel Kill has a professional record of 23-6-1 21 ko’s. Kolonel Kill has never been knocked out and has been known to suck the blood from his opponents face after winning a match. Odds 3/1. Finishing move: Shoots opponent in skull with a bazooka.
Bug Eyed Jack is from Detroit and is trained by MACCO. She is 24-5-2, 17 ko’s. The only red squirrel in the competition, but many feel her colour is due to a bad dye job. Bug Eyed Jack has a terrible temper and was once seen mushing her opponents head into a mulberry bush while urinating on him. Odds 4/1. Finishing move: Spine twist with a suplex mix.
Igor the Russian Drunk may not look like a serious contender, but at 21-4-2, 18 KO’s, you would be a fool to not take him seriously. Hailing from that great commie paradise of Seattle, Igor is the European heavyweight squirrel fighting champion. Trained by KTon, he comes in at 5/1. Finishing move: Borscht Smash.
Elephantitis Eli is 43-10-0, 28 KO’s. A technical and veteran fighter that trains out of Denver, EE may not be the favourite, but to overlook her would be folly. EE once held all three squirrel fighting crowns at one time, the only squirrel to ever accomplish that feat. Trained by Darren, EE goes off at 6/1. Finishing Move: Testicle drag across the face.
Freddy the Happy Squirrel may quite possibly have the gayest name of any professional fighting squirrel, but don’t let gay monikers fool you, this son of a bitch is all fight. Training out of Guelph, Ontario by Jonmas, FTHS is 33-6-1, 29KO’s. Odds: 8/1. Finishing move: Poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
And there you have it, the six competitors that are going to duke it out starting next Tuesday. Why are we waiting so long for the first fight? You need to be patient, squirrel training takes time, you just can’t throw these fuckers in a pillow case without the proper training. I’m surprised you know so little about the art of squirrel fighting.
I will preview the first two competitors next Monday night. You will have your chance to make your predictions then. For now, study these fighters, learn everything you can about them. Google them.
I have every reason that this isn’t going to turn out well, don’t I?