Archive for the ‘Squirrel Fights’ Category

Squirrel Fights – Mitchieville Marathon Continues

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

It was July 9, 2008 when Mitchieville was introduced to Squirrel Fights. Wow, July 2008, The Mayor was just a little girl. Anyway, the constituents’ of Mitchieville demand their bread and circuses, and The Mayor aint nuttin’ if he aint a panderin’ to his constituents’ trivial pursuits.

Click on the Squirrel Fights tab above these words to find the whole series. It’s totally worth it.

Last night I promised to bring a contest to you that was so exciting you would urinate in your dungarees. Well prepare to pee, because Mitchieville presents: Squirrel Fights 2008.

The object of this game is simple: you bet on the outcome of each individual squirrel fight and the winner of the most fights after all is said and done will be declared grand champion and will get a few crappy prizes. Hell, I’ll even let you keep the squirrels if you want, Fenris doesn’t need them.

Nancy, our friend from Naples, gave me this idea when she sent me the first squirrel you see in the line-up: The Mango Muncher. I looked at Nancy’s squirrel, looked at my squirrel, looked at Nancy’s squirrel again, looked at mine, and decided that these two squirrels would do well to kick the living crap out of each other.

I can’t guarantee that the squirrels won’t get hurt, most likely they will. It’s the survival of the fittest out there, if a certain squirrel isn’t in fighting shape, then there is a good chance it will be taking a dirt nap at the end of the competition.

Every few days I will put two of the shown squirrel’s in a pillow case and let them fight it out until one of the squirrel’s concedes defeat. The night before a fight, I will feature on these pages, which squirrels will be duking it out. It is up to you to guess the winner. At the end of the competition, the person with the most victories will be declared the champion.

Let’s have a look at our competitors:

The Mango Muncher: 32-3-0 27 ko’s. This fella has a stellar record on the squirrel fighting circuit and is a vicious competitor. Owned by Nancy, and trained out of Naples Florida, MM is the favourite to win this competition. Odds 5/2. Finishing move: The Cranium Crunch.

Hailing from Calgary Alberta and fighting out of the Godless Commies garage, Kolonel Kill has a professional record of 23-6-1 21 ko’s. Kolonel Kill has never been knocked out and has been known to suck the blood from his opponents face after winning a match. Odds 3/1. Finishing move: Shoots opponent in skull with a bazooka.

Bug Eyed Jack is from Detroit and is trained by MACCO. She is 24-5-2, 17 ko’s. The only red squirrel in the competition, but many feel her colour is due to a bad dye job. Bug Eyed Jack has a terrible temper and was once seen mushing her opponents head into a mulberry bush while urinating on him. Odds 4/1. Finishing move: Spine twist with a suplex mix.

Igor the Russian Drunk may not look like a serious contender, but at 21-4-2, 18 KO’s, you would be a fool to not take him seriously. Hailing from that great commie paradise of Seattle, Igor is the European heavyweight squirrel fighting champion. Trained by KTon, he comes in at 5/1. Finishing move: Borscht Smash.

Elephantitis Eli is 43-10-0, 28 KO’s. A technical and veteran fighter that trains out of Denver, EE may not be the favourite, but to overlook her would be folly. EE once held all three squirrel fighting crowns at one time, the only squirrel to ever accomplish that feat. Trained by Darren, EE goes off at 6/1. Finishing Move: Testicle drag across the face.

Freddy the Happy Squirrel may quite possibly have the gayest name of any professional fighting squirrel, but don’t let gay monikers fool you, this son of a bitch is all fight. Training out of Guelph, Ontario by Jonmas, FTHS is 33-6-1, 29KO’s. Odds: 8/1. Finishing move: Poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

And there you have it, the six competitors that are going to duke it out starting next Tuesday. Why are we waiting so long for the first fight? You need to be patient, squirrel training takes time, you just can’t throw these fuckers in a pillow case without the proper training. I’m surprised you know so little about the art of squirrel fighting.

I will preview the first two competitors next Monday night. You will have your chance to make your predictions then. For now, study these fighters, learn everything you can about them. Google them.

I have every reason that this isn’t going to turn out well, don’t I?

Excuse Me?

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

I think someone might want to have a word with the Marketing Manager at Wonderbread.

The Mayor isn’t sure what is being suggested here – are we being told to eat the bread, eat someones unit, or the bread is so good it will eat your unit? Either way, it sounds like these folks have some pretty amazing bread. Possibly.

Music Dun Made Him Go Squirrely

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009


Many people think that English playwright William Congreve’s phrase from The Mourning Bride was “Music hath charms to soothe a savage beast.” However, what Congreve originally said was “Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast.”

In the case of little Timmy White, his trombone didn’t so much soothe the savage beast as much as it smashed the skull in of the savage beast. Little Timmy White will pay for his misdeeds, you can’t go around whackin’ vermin, yo!

Hey Timmy, watch out for that SUV behind you!!!

Too bad for Timmy. Looks like he’ll never get the pleasure of wrapping his hands around a pair of savage breasts. If I knew what ironic meant, I would say that this was ironic.

Squirrel Fight 2008–The Final Destination

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008

Good evening one and all and welcome to Squirrel Fights 2008–The Final Destination. I am your host, The Mayor of Mitchieville, and it is my honour to bring you this incredible event.

We have had an amazing tournament thus far. We started with 7 fighters and now it comes down to just two: The Mango Muncher from Naples Florida, and The Mayor’s stud, Pugsly (from parts unknown). Both fighters are in the greatest shapes of their squirrel lives. I haven’t seen anything quite like this before, they are ready, willing and eager for the match of the century.

The fighters have come out of their respective dressing rooms and are in the ring. Let’s go up to where Michelle Buffet is ready to introduce these magnificent warriors:

“Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages–let’s get ready to watch some blood shed!!”

Whatever, Michelle, where’s the snipers when you need ‘em?!

Fenris (the traitor) has placed both squirrels in the see-through pillowcase and we’re nearly ready to begin. The bell sounds and Fenris shakes the pillowcase like he’s making a Margarita.

MM and Pugsly immediately go into a clinch. They are both trying to put downward pressure on the other, a pretty standard squirrel fighting tactic. MM is really leaning hard on the heavily muscled legs of Pugsly. They keep circling each other, it’s what we in the business call a *Mexican stand-off*. Hey, look, it’s Michael Bolton! I love you Michael!!!

The squirrels are still….wait, what the hell is going on here? Fenris has grabbed the pillowcase and is reaching into it. He has pulled Pugsly out and is squeezing the poor thing. Oh the humanity! Fenris has snapped Pugly’s heavily muscled legs like they were matchsticks. Oh the humanity! Now Fenris has stuck Pugsly’s head into his mouth–OMG, he bit Pugly’s head right off. Oh the humanity!

This fight is over, this fight is done–Fenris is a dead man. The security is tasering Fenris, this is quite a scene. Taser that bastard some more, damn you!!

I can hardly see, the tears are flowing from my most-masculine cheeks so heavily that a small puddle of eye water has accumulated next to my Rye bottle.

I declare this fight null and void! This fight is over, there is no winner, just a loser–and he goes by the name of Fenris Badwulf. Oh the humanity! Oh the Sean Hannity!

Folks, I have to go, my poor heart is broken, I’m so sorry you had to see this pitiful episode.

Vote The Mayor.

Squirrel Fights 2008–Round Five

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

Good evening folks, I am The Mayor of Mitchieville and I am at the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium in beautiful downtown Mitchieville. Tonight we have lined up the fifth of six fights, a fight that promises to have the perfect mix of pugilism and horrific violence.

Elephantitis Eli (EE) is matched up against the tournament favourite Mango Muncher (MM). Earlier this week, MM’s trainer, Nancy, was talking trash, not about EE, but against The Mayor’s Squirrel, Pugsly. Here is what she had to say, I quote: “The Mayor’s shitty little squirrel.” I have this strange feeling that Nancy’s words are going to come back and bite her and that her prized squirrel is going to die a horrific death tonight. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just have a feeling.

The fighters are now in the ring, and man are they looking in top shape. If I had to rate these fighters out of ten, with 0 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, I would give them both a solid 8.3. I’d give EE’s balls a solid 9.4.

Let’s go to the ring where Michelle Buffet is ready: “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages–let’s get ready to watch some blood shed!!”

Michelle Buffet will never work in this town again.

Fenris has placed both squirrels in the see-through pillowcase and we’re nearly ready to begin. The bell sounds and Fenris shakes the pillowcase like it owes him money, and here we go.

The squirrels eye each other up and are making those disgusting chirpy squirrel sounds that make humans cringe with hate. EE and MM come together in the middle of the ring and MM smashes EE’s head with a devastating punch. EE goes down quicker than Jenna Jamieson at a Shriner’s convention. MM wastes no time and jumps right on the testicles of EE. MM puts EE in the cranium crunch, squeezes, and holy crapamolie–EE’s head just popped off. Folks, stick a fork in EE, this fight is over.

That was…errr….quick. Remember how I said that MM’s squirrel was going to bite the big one tonight? Haha, that was pretty funny of me, I actually meant that he was going to win.

The janitors are in the ring cleaning up the mess, MM is dancing around and freaking out like it’s Courtney Love at a free needle giveaway. What a waste of a night. I mean, what a great fight.

So there you have it, MM treats EE like EE’s an ugly child and MM is a Chinese Olympic official. Next week there is going to be a champion declared–either the Mango Muncher or Pugsly.

Tune in next Wednesday night for the finale of Squirrel Fights 2008. I’m The Mayor of Mitchieville, wishing you and yours, and theirs, a great evening.

Squirrel Fights 2008–Round Four

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

The Rumble in the Concrete Jungle is upon us. Pugsly the pugilist has his hands full against Igor the Russian Drunk (IRD). Good evening folks, I’m The Mayor of Mitchieville and I am pleased and proud to bring you another exciting night of Squirrel Fights.

The fighters are ready and are in the squared circle. Pugsly looks like he could possibly be in the best shape of his life, his tiny body is rippling with tiny squirrel muscles. IRD looks, well, drunk. He really is a terrible alcoholic, he should seek professional help starting with some form of a 12 step program.

Let’s go to the ring where Michelle Buffet is ready: “”Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages–let’s get ready to watch some blood shed!!”

I’ve pretty much had it with Michelle Buffet.

Fenris has put both squirrels in the see-through pillowcase and we’re nearly ready to begin. The bell sounds and Fenris shakes the pillowcase like he has some sort of horrific disease, and here we go.

Pugsly wastes no time and dances, kind of a funky chicken dance, over to IRD, takes out a white glove and slaps that commie perrrrick across his drunken face. The gauntlet has been thrown down. Pugsly continues the onslaught with a series of taunts and insults. I’m not sure IRD understands Pugsly’s dialect, as he is not responding. Pugly takes it up a step and drives his squirrel fist right into IRD’s face. Wow, that is going to ruin his weekend.

IRD isn’t putting up much of a fight, Pugsly is kicking the stuffing out of him. The ref is watching closely, but we know from the previous three deaths that he will not stop the fight no matter what. It makes me wonder why we have a ref, especially considering we have no rules. I’ll have to ponder that.

Pugsly gives IRD a cocoa bonk and a kick to the groin, followed by a head butt and three straight lefts and a powerful uppercut. Stick a fork in IRD, he’s done. Pugsly jumps on top of IRD and is squeezing the life out of him, my my, this is sick and sad, but mostly sick. IRD’s eyes are going back into his head, he’s being strangled out.

OMG, IRD puked, but misses Pugly’s face. Oh the humanity, IRD’s puke has spurted into the audience, it looks as though it has covered a spectator. Heavens to Betsy, dmorris is the one that got covered. It kind of serves dmorris right though, he was disrespecting Squirrel Fights pretty heavily earlier today. That’s what we call *Karma*, dmorris, enjoy your blindness, cynic.

IRD has nothing left, other than the dry heaves. Pugsly is in complete control. Pugsly removes something from his pocket, it looks like a screwdriver. It is! He sticks the screwdriver into IRD’s frontal lobe, and baby, this match is over!

The crowd is going wild, the po po will have to hose these rabid arseholes down.

By far, this was the greatest, if you judge greatest by sheer gratuitous violence, match we have had to date. I’m glad to be a part of it, as I’m sure you are.

To recap: Pugsly is the winner, IRD is dead, and dmorris will never see again.

What a great night!

Tune in next Wednesday night for a little pre-fight warm-up and commentary. I’m The Mayor of Mitchieville, wishing you and yours, and theirs, a great evening.

Squirrel Fights 2008–Round Four

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

There are but four remaining competitors left in Squirrel Fights 2008–Igor the Russian Drunk, Double M, Elephantitis Eli, and advancing by way of a bye (or by, or buy) is Pugsy, trained by none other than me, The Mayor of Mitchieville.

Squirrel Fights 2008 has seen some spectacular action thus far. It has also seen much carnage. I’d like to take less than a minute to silently remember our fallen combatants. Please, close your eyes and pray for the dead. Ah, I just saw you open your eyes, you’re not praying, you’re mocking me and my prayer request. You sir/madam, are below contempt. Or above it, I suppose it depends on where you sit or stand.

By way of tarot cards, Fenris has chosen two names which will see competition tomorrow night at the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium. Fenris has just handed me the names, and they are–Pugsy and IRD. Wow, that will certainly make for a great fight.

Pugsy is more than ready, he is a machine that is ready to released upon the carcass of IRD. Maybe my coverage will seem a slight bit slanted, but I have watched this behemoth train since he was a baby squirrel–which, btw, looks awfully similar to a rat.

Tomorrow–8 pm, Mitchieville Auditorium–Pugsy vs Igor the Russian Drunk–The Rumble in the Concrete Jungle–Be there!

Squirrel Fights 2008–Round Trois

Friday, August 1st, 2008

Here’s a little mathematical equation for you to start the night off: 8 hours x 3 drinks an hour + Squirrel fights = an effin’ good time.

Good evening folks, I am The Mayor of Mitchieville and I’m crunk-eyed. I am also your announcer who will be bringing you Squirrel Fight Trois: The Thriller in the Pillow.

I take you now to our ring announcer, Michelle Buffet. “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages–let’s get ready to watch some blood shed!!”

Seriously, that has to be the worst announcement I have ever heard–”Let’s get ready for some blood shed”. Oh please.

The combatants are all ready to go. Elephantitis Eli and Freddy the Happy Squirrel (that really is a gay name) looked pumped, sober, and full of piss and vinegar. Fenris is on stage right now giving instructions to both fighters, and I believe we are now ready to go. Fenris grabs EE and Freddy by the tails and drops them in the transparent pillow case. Fenris violently shakes the pillow case, and we are officially under way.

Freddy throws the first jab, a glancing blow to the side of EE’s puffy little face. EE responds with a jab of his own, a shot that barely scrapes past what I suppose can be called the chin of Freddy. Both fighters are cautious, this is what we call the feeling out portion of the fight. Of course, when I say *feeling out*, I mean that in the heteronormative sense, not in the sense where at any moment these two squirrels will start having man on man sexual relations. I thought I’d just clear that up for you.

EE takes it up a level with a kick to Freddy’s front leg, and now another kick, followed by yet another kick. This seems to have slowed Freddy down quite considerably. Freddy tries to grab EE by his scruffy head but EE slides out of the move and smashes Freddy in the solar plex with his mighty squirrel fist. EE is handing Freddy his ass on a plate. Not literally, however.

EE kicks Freddy a few more times, Freddy looks in trouble, he seems stunned, like Rosanne Barr at a buffet that just ran out of deep fried shrimp. Freddy lashes out wildly, which looked kind of ridiculous, you’re not going to hurt a professional with amateurish moves like that, ya dumb bastard. EE takes advantage of that nonsense and pummels Freddy with a series of karate chops to the ear, stomach, leg and ankles. EE is on fire, Freddy is sucking bad ass.

EE gives Freddy a swinging hammer punch followed by a leg crunch and a head bite. Freddy is down!!! Freddy is down!!! EE is coming in for his patented Testicle Drop Across the Face.

EE lines Freddy up–EE lifts his massive ball sac and walks over top Freddy’s face. This is it, he’s gong to do it!! EE drops his gargantuan package on Freddy’s face. Oh sweet Jesus, it looks as if he has smashed Freddy’s face into a million pieces. This is hard to watch. Thankfully, it’s not impossible to watch, I seem to be able to get my head around this.

Freddy is out cold, stick a fork in the little bitch, he’s done like dinner. Fenris sprays a little mace into the pillow case, reaches in and grabs out your winner–Elephantitus Eli!

The crowd is going wild, this was, by far, the best squirrel fight to date.

That’s it, c’est la vie. EE has proven to be the real deal, while Freddy was a major disappointment. Oh well, the blood was cool and the screams were certainly worth the price of admission.

Tune in next Monday as two more warriors will be announced.

This is The Mayor of Mitchieville wishing you, and your, and theirs, a happy night.

Squirrel Fights 2008–Round Trois

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

Last week’s squirrel fight was the second most impressive squirrel fight we have had in the competition so far. It gives me great pains to tell you though, that Kolonel Kill succumbed to his injuries last week and has gone up to heaven, where he will always have as many peanuts as his little heart desires. The poor critter, I cry for his family. All 300 brothers and sisters.

So far in this competition, we have seen the Mango Muncher and Igor the Russian Drunk advance. We have also seen Bug Eyed Jack and KK take a dirt nap. That’s what we professional announcers call a 50/50. Thems good odds, not so much for living, but more so for dying.

Tomorrow at the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium, will, no doubt, be the greatest squirrel fight to date. Elephantitis Eli will be in the transparent pillowcase against Freddy the Happy Squirrel (that really is a gay name). I have seen both of these fighters train this week, and although I can’t understand them, because they’re squirrels for Christ’s sake, they are fit, ready, and have a predilection for rubbing themselves on branches from old growth trees.

The early money was on EE, but the later money started to go on Freddy. I’m not sure what that means, other than many people have gambling problems. Let’s face it, if you’re betting on a squirrel fight, you are a gambling addict. And most likely a deviant.

Speaking of which: Who do you think is going to win the fight of the century, tomorrow night at the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium in beautiful downtown Mitchieville? Place your bets!

Squirrel Fights 2008–Round Deux

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008

For me, there are two things I like most about Squirrel Fights: The squirrel part and the fighting part. Having said that, we had a real barn-burner last week as Double M, trained by Nancy from Naples Florida, trounced Bug Eyed Jack. To be honest, I thought there would have been a little more fight in Bug Eyed Jack, but she just didn’t seem to have anything left in her…except for parts of Double M (wink wink, nudge nudge).

We have another fight tomorrow night, a fight that is sure to go down in the annals of history as one of the greatest fights ever. Kolonel Kill, trained by the Godless Commie, is up against Igor the Russian Drunk. The best part of this is that the two squirrels are commies, so even if they both kill each other, the world will be better off. Yes, take that Soviet-style governments.

The early money is on Kolonel Kill, but if Igor the Russian Drunk shows up even somewhat sober, this is going to be the fight of a lifetime.

Make sure to tune in tomorrow, this is one event that you certainly do not want to miss.

**Bug Eyed Jack is out of the competition, as he is dead from the massive head trauma he sustained last week in round 1.

Squirrel Fight–Round One

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

I’m blogging live from the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium in beautiful downtown Mitchieville, where Double M and Bug Eyed Jack are just moments away from the first in our series of squirrel fights. Nancy, who manages Double M, is here with her fighter giving some last minute instructions, while the River Rat, who manages Bug Eyed Jack is nowhere to be found. That is not a good sign for the scrappy Bug Eyed Jack.

I spoke with Nancy a few hours ago and she was on pins and needles. However, after I got her a better chair, the whole pins and needles thing seemed to go away. Good for Nancy. The fighters are ready to go, the bag is ready to go, a sold out auditorium is ready to go, so what the hell, let’s go.

I take you now to our ring announcer, Michelle Buffet. “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages–let’s get ready to watch some blood shed!!”

Wow, what an introduction.

The two combatants have been dropped into the pillowcase and the bell has just rung. Since squirrels have no idea that a bell signifies the start of a fight, Fenris instead just shook the bag violently until the squirrels got the message. Stupid squirrels.

Both squirrels are circling around the bag, chattering to each other. I believe this is what’s known as *trash talk*. Double M leads with a few weak lefts that graze the chin, or what I believe is a chin, of Bug Eyed Jack. Double M flicks out a few more lefts and–oh my–kicks Bug Eyed right in the eye. Bug Eye doesn’t seem hurt in the least, perhaps it’s because of his Bug Eye. I’m not sure what part of Bug Eye Double M doesn’t understand?

Bug Eye tries a roundhouse kick but misses, she leaves herself open and Double M jumps on the opportunity and gives Bug Eye a series of rights followed by a sweeping kick. Bug Eye is down! Double M is showing no mercy, he quickly hops on top of Double M and is giving her a terrible beating. Oh the humanity! Wait a second, Double M isn’t smacking out Bug Eye, if I’m not mistaken, he’s making love to her. Oh the humanity!

This is not going well, no, not going well at all. The Mitchieville Civic Auditorium is quickly starting to smell like dirty sex. This is sickening, yet rather mesmerizing. Fenris, shake the bag!!!

That seemed to work, the fighters, although nearly exhausted, are back to their feet and fighting. Bug eye seems out of it, and Double M is once again taking advantage of the situation, but this time by not putting its penis in Bug Eyes funny parts.

Double M is pounding Bug Eye, the ref is going to have to step in and stop this. Oh the humanity! Oh the Sean Hannity!

And yes, this fight is over. Double M is the victor, Bug Eyed never stood a chance. Completely outmatched and outwitted, the manager-less Bug Eyed has proven to be nothing more than a sex pinata for the horny double M. I can’t wait to publish this on YouTube.

There you have it folks, an overwhelming victory by the odds on favourite, Double M. Nancy will be very proud, although slightly disgusted, at how her fighter did tonight. I hope she can take a few minutes and tell us how she feels. What’s that? Sorry folks, she has declined an interview.

That’s it for the first round of Squirrel Fights, I hope you have enjoyed it. This is violence at its best, I’m glad you could be a party to it.

Tune in next Monday night to see who the next two combatants will be. I’m The Mayor of Mitchieville, wishing you and yours, and theirs, a great evening.

Squirrel Fight–Round One

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

The date has been set. The venue has been chosen. The names of the combatants are ready to be released: Tomorrow night at 8 pm at the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium in beautiful downtown Mitchieville, Double M will face off against Bug Eyed Jack.

I’ve had the honour of spending some time with both fighters and their trainers this week, and to say that they are in the best fighting shape of their life is not an overstatement. It’s also not an understatement. It’s actually a statement that’s pretty well true.

We did have one technical problem this week that I am glad to report has been resolved. Originally, we were going to throw both fighters into a pillowcase and let them duke it out. However, if we had thrown them into a conventional pillowcase, there would have been no way to tell what the hell was happening in there, and that kind of defeated the purpose of squirrel fights. So, thanks to the good folks at 3M and a generous grant from the Federal Government, we have come up with a see-through pillowcase that is made from 100% biodegradable plastic.

It is now time to place your guess as to who will be the victor of tomorrow nights fight. In case you are new to Mitchieville, or for some bizarre reason you haven’t been reading Mitchieville every day, last week I had a thorough rundown of all the competitors. Please take a minute to review the reviewables.

Now that we are all on the same page, let the games begin. Please leave your guess in the comment box that is located slightly below and over just a smidgen to the right.