I, Suvorov, haven’t been this happy since that traitor Solzhenitsyn kicked the bucket a week ago. Russia is back, and the attack on America has finally begun. And what better place to launch this merciful and just invasion than at the very heart of capitalist Amerika: Georgia.

Georgia, the state that brought us Coca-Cola, Deliverance, and the terrible 1996 Olympic Games is burning tonight. As her masses flee to the country side and wait for help that won’t come (too bad your “army” is in Iraq!) our confidence builds, our plan unfolds. Yes comrade blog readers, our brave Russian tank men will destroy the collective soul of Georgia’s alt-rock spirit and burn down Atlanta like it was 1865. Orange Crush indeed!

As I drive south on I75 through Tennessee on my way to meet up with the patriotic citizen soldiers of the new Russian Army I find my cheeks wet with tears of joy. I had expected the inevitable Russian invasion of the United States to come through Alaska, that my Cossack brothers have struck the underbelly of corporate capitalist greed should come as no surprise. For years after the fall of the great socialist experiment that was Communism the people of Georgia gorged themselves on their juicy peaches while the citizens of mother Russia went hungry. With the cash flow from our plentiful oil reserves and a President who has the moral authority to lead his nation into battle we now attack. It is our turn to feed on your Georgian peaches.

Like Peach Cobbler, revenge is a dish best served cold. Fill your bellies my Russian brothers!

I, Suvorov, have posted this to strike fear into the heart of our Yankee readers.

“His encounter with the Japanese in Burma, recounted in Defeat into Victory, was no such lark. Fought with little air support in jungles with few roads, it remains one of the brightest Allied chapters in World War II history. In 1942, after service in the Middle East, Slim was ordered to the command of the First Burma Corps in Prome. Neither he nor his army stayed there long.

Armed with World War I weapons and saddled with trench-war concepts of strategy, the corps proved no match for the Japanese, who steadily and easily pushed the British back to the Indian border. By the spring of 1942, Slim admits, “we, the Allies, had been outmanoeuvred, outfought, and outgeneralled.” Slim, as commander of the XV Corps and then of the Fourteenth Army, planned carefully for revenge.

He gradually built up the shattered confidence of his troops—who regarded the Japanese as invincible in jungle fighting—by refusing at first to engage in battle unless he had an overwhelming superiority in numbers, and could make sure of victory. Since the Burmese theater stood low on the priority list for supplies and troop replacements, Slim turned poverty to good advantage.

His support forces learned to improvise, devising jute parachutes for supply drops when silk ones were unavailable, arming yachts and tugboats with Bren guns to replace unavailable gunboats. His armies discovered that full field equipment hindered mobility, and often went to battle as lightly armed as guerrillas.” – Time Magazine, Aug. 24, 1962

“In 1939 he commanded the Red Banner army in Outer Mongolia, where the Russians were engaged in a frontier struggle with the Japanese. Zhukov applied classic cavalry tactics to armored warfare: he massed his tanks, smashed a hole through the center of the Japanese Sixth Army, and bloodily crushed its flanks between his fanning-out Panzers and advancing infantry. This little-known action helped deter the Japanese from attacking the Soviet rear in 1941, leaving Stalin free to bring his Siberian troops westward to the defense of Moscow’.

Zhukov was the man in charge of Moscow’s defense. He administered the first major defeat the Wehrmacht suffered. Assigned to Stalingrad, he transformed a threatened Russian disaster into a German catastrophe. Then it was Leningrad’s turn, and again Zhukov—ruthless and imperturbable, yet strangely capable of inspiring his peasant soldiers—broke a German siege. From defense he turned to offense, flaming westward across the Ukraine in 1943, into Poland in 1944.” – Time Magazine – Feb. 21, 1955

The Fourth Directorate of the Mitchieville Comments Advisory Committee has been informed by His Worship, Mitch, The Mayor of Mitchieville, that commenter Steamboat McGoo is now a blogger with his own website called “Aardvarks and Asshats”. After a careful review of his blog and in consideration of his long service with The Press Gallery of our sidebar he has been promoted to The Backbench. Please congratulate Comrade Blogger Steamboat McGoo on his promotion to the ‘Backbencher’ section of the Mitchieville sidebar.

Sister bloggers Ice Princess and Raymitheminx have been granted probationary status on the sidebar. Their application for permanent membership on the Mitchieville sidebar will be discussed by The Fourth Directorate of the Mitchieville Comments Advisory Committee during the January meeting.

All Hail Mitchieville,

Suvorov
Political Commissar
Press Gallery
Mitchieville

“When Zhukov broke through the Bug line a month ago, the whole German line began to fall back. Zhukov knew he could not encircle a force retreating twelve to 18 miles a day, decided to outrace it.

The German units changed their route again & again, wasted men and precious time. Zhukov began to push them off the roads, compel them to accept battle in swamps. The orderly retreat had been turned into flight. Heavy equipment was left behind. Supply trains clogged up the roads. He seized its roads, rail centers, by quick penetrations, straddled the few good retreat routes across a muddy, wooded flatland.

Said Moscow: in four weeks of March, Zhukov’s army alone killed 183,000 men, captured 25,000, seized or destroyed 2,100 tanks, 4,600 guns, 54,000 trucks. Last week, at two railway junctions, Red units captured 1,600 railroad cars loaded with food, ammunition, loot, wounded Germans.” – Time Magazine, April 17, 1944

Posted by Suvorov

Ladies and Gentlemen of Mitchieville:

This post is to hereby recognize Mapmaster as a map maker without peer. From this moment in history forward all maps made will be measured to the exacting standards of the maps he makes. That he is able to create such high quality maps with such constant high maintenance distraction in his life is remarkable. Mapmaster is a God among the map making masses of this environmentally doomed planet, a mapmaster without peer. Should I, Suvorov, ever have the privilege of touching his hands again it will be on a bended knee with my head bowed. I am in awe of you, oh great Mapmaster.

Postscript: I, Suvorov, have posted this post as a part of my plea agreement with The Crown in regards to the “temporary non-consensual disappearance” of the communist-lesbian. I am glad to report that she is alive and well though thoroughly creeped out by her stay in Mitchieville. Just 363 meaningless days left till Blogfest 2008.

Today in Halifax, Nova Scotia, our Prime Minister cowardly announced that Canada will spend $3.1 billion to refit and modernize our 12 Halifax Class Frigates. How will spending $3.1 billion on these puny ships strike fear into the heart of our enemies? Russia, China, the United States – they all have Aircraft Carriers, Guided Missile Cruisers and ruthless, aggressive leaders. Canada needs to project some serious sea power. Canada needs Battleships.

Whatever happened to the great ships of war like HMS Canada ? Why won’t Canada’s New Government build a fleet of five new ice breaking capable double-hulled nuclear powered battleships to protect the Canadian North? A broadside of twelve 14 inch cannons from the decks of our mighty dreadnaughts would surely make the Yankee bastards cede the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and the vast oil reserves contained underneath to Canada. The meat from the collaterally damaged Caribou from that broadside can then be used to feed the sailors of our battle fleet. With free caribou meat and an endless supply of nuclear powered energy our marauding monitors could stay at sea forever! Does anyone seriously think the dastardly Danes would ever try to take Hans Island again knowing that our dreadnaughts are aboot in the North West Passage? I think not.

My Canada includes big ass battleships. I, Suvorov, have saved Canada’s New Government thousands of dollars in funding and research money by arbitrarily naming our new series of ships in a culturally sensitive and quintessentially Canadian manner. These names will surely strike fear into the hearts of the foreign evildoers who covet our subterranean arctic diamond reserves. Our ships, the HMSC Denny Doherty; HMCS Hank Snow; NCMS Felix Leclerc, HMCS Walter Ostinek, and HMCS Stan Rogers will strike fear into the hearts of all who see their wake. The money saved by me selflessly doing this for our nation can now be used to purchase nuclear tipped 14 inch cannon shells for our ships. Take that Taliban Jack!

The waters and land of the Canadian Artic (according to the Minister of National Defence this is an alternate spelling of Arctic) belong to Canada. Our battleships would preserve our arctic sovereignty for generations and give our country a seat at the table of aggressor nations for decades to come, not that Harper seems to care. Thankfully for you Canada, I do.

I, Suvorov, have posted this because Stephen Harper is a coward. Show your bravery by sending Fenris your money and lots of it – Battleships ain’t cheap.

If it wasn’t so terribly true you would swear it came from a Tom Clancy novel. Our ancient enemies have conspired against us and the freedom loving capitalist ways of North America. A trap is about to be set and once sprung we will find ourselves under the barrels of their merciless guns. What is this trap? The Russians are set to build a $12 Billion dollar tunnel under the Bering Strait to Alaska .

The mass airborne assault once visualized in the movie Red Dawn will no longer be needed. In 20 years the commies will drive ashore in Alaska and send their armoured columns down the Alaska-Canada Highway into the heart of Northern British Columbia.

A venture this expensive has to have some serious financial backing. What freedom hating country is helping finance this venture? China. It gets worse, what country has offered underground drilling services at half the market cost? Japan. It is clear now, a new axis of evil has emerged: Communist China, “Democratic” Russia and Japan. China covets our vast tracts of arable land. Russia covets our oil reserves and the Stanley Cup. Japan, they seek revenge for the events of August 1945 and reparations for the Cheap Trick ‘Live At Budokan’ album.

Canada must act now must act now! Mandatory conscription for two years service of all able-bodied persons between the ages of 18 and 40 must begin at once (that includes you as well Quebec). CFB Cold Lake must have its fighter wing tripled in size. The PPCLI must form new companies and station them in urban areas of western Canada. Armouries must be built in places like High Level, Peace River, Fort Nelson, Terrace and Dawson City. A wall will be built around Whitehorse and that fair city is to be defended until all the resident Yukonians are dead. Watson Lake is now a bona fide defensive nuclear target. Plans must be made to raze Fort McMurray.

We will not stand alone brother and sister freedom lovers. Surely France, England and Belgium will send their young children to fight and die on our soil as we so selflessly fought and died for them on their soil in the great wars of the last Century. Yes, the French will make those dirty Cossacks think twice. Most importantly of all, I, Suvorov, will fight along side you. The building of the Pacific Wall fortifications will begin tonight.

Fight, Resist, Attack!

Posted by Suvorov

Global warming and Jane Goodall have conspired to doom mankind. Homo Sapiens ancient enemy has evolved. There is no escape. We must act now.

Chimpanzees have learned how to use spears . Chimps will form alliances with Apes and teach them to use spears. Apes will form alliances with Orangutans and teach them how to use spears. Orangutans will form an alliance with the Lemurs. Have you seen a Lemur leap? Now imagine them with spears in their hands. Mitchieville, nay mankind, is in danger.

We Can’t Wait. As the planet warms these marauding primates will migrate, it is only a matter of time before they reach our continent. We must act now. I am asking that the Mayor assemble his cabinet and give me, Suvorov, the authority to exterminate the primates before they organize themselves. With a mass MOAB strike we can exterminate these blood thirsty mammals before they exterminate us. Don’t fool yourselves; given the chance they’ll kill us all. Send the Mayor your money, he will know what to do.

Posted by Suvorov, who isn’t afraid of those damn filthy apes

‘Revenge is a dish best served cold’ is the new motto of France as 201 years (and 3 months) after the Battle of Trafalgar the French have meted out revenge on their hated Island enemy, England.

The French, long bitter and seething with rage over the ass whooping they received at Trafalgar, have launched a chemical warfare attack on the south-west costal area of England. According to the MSM reports here and here the French crew, of a ship with the very Italian sounding name MSC Napoli, “deliberately run aground close to Sidmouth, 165 miles southwest of London. French officials said that of the 41,700 tons of merchandise in the ship’s 2,400 containers, 1,700 tons were considered dangerous, including battery acid, as well as explosive and flammable material.”

You can almost hear the French in their faux-Gaul accent yelling Tora, Tora, Tora as they ran their toxic vessel of death into the English shore. Rumours persist that the French are also jealous of English cuisine. This rumour has not been confirmed.

Watch out Vietnam, I’ve got a feeling your next.

I, Admiral Suvorov, posted this