I apologize for the lack of posting this weekend. I had a little accident which kept me from the computer. Actually, it was a bit of a bizarre accident. Kind of embarrassing really. Let me explain.
I was out having a walk yesterday down at the boardwalk at Lake Chinichinchin in Upper Middle Mitchieville, enjoying the lovely weather, taking in the sights and sounds when I stepped on one of those plastic six-pack holders that keep various types of cans held together. Somehow my foot went through one of the openings and twisted itself up into a knot. I tried to use my other foot to push the holder down and pull my foot out, but amazingly, it too ended up going through one of the holes.
I tried to step forward, but that was a huge mistake. Both feet were caught in the stupid holder, I was a prisoner, captive I tells ya! I fell down, and started to roll downhill uncontrollably. Did I mention I was on a hill? That part of the story is pretty important. I started rolling down the hill and picked up some serious speed. I ran over a Bell Telephone box, a small dog, and wiped out a portion of a gazebo, and landed right into Lake Chinichinchin.
I was flailing and thrashing about, I started to take in quite a bit of water. I thought I may have to take out my buck-knife and saw my legs off if I was to survive. But right then and there, I spotted a rowboat with two Japanese fishermen approaching. I was saved! Or was I? Not! The Japanese guys ended up poking me with sharp sticks and screaming at me in some foreign language – probably Japanese, if I was to guess. They poked me so many times that I ended up sinking to the bottom of the lake-bed. I was finished. Or was I? Not!
As I lay on the lakebed, a mermaid floated down towards me and breathed air into my mouth. I took the mermaid air and used it to gain enough momentum to float to the surface of the lake. But seeing as though I still had those holders on my feet, I ended up sinking again and going right to the bottom of the lakebed. Looking back, I am really mad at that mermaid. I mean, all she had to do was take the holders off my feet and bring me to the surface of the lake, but oh no, she tries some stupid parlour trick that nearly gets me killed. Wait until I get to City Hall on Monday. I’m going to have the lake drained, find that mermaid and have her shot.
Luckily, the Canadian Olympic Scuba Team (COST) was preparing for a scuba meet at Lake Chinichichin next weekend, so one of the scuba guys found me, saved me, and all without putting his lips on mine. Which is very important to a homophobe like me because if that had happened, I would have killed myself. I am not saying that the scuba guy was gay, but I can’t verify his straightness. Oh, I would have had to kill him, too. Also, I didn’t even know the Olympics had a scuba event. That’s kind of neat. Oh, and SCUBA stands for *Self-Contained underwater breathing apparatus*. Cool, eh?
Everything worked out exactly the way it was meant to. I was saved, the scuba team proved useful, the Japanese guys that nearly killed me just reinforced my hatred of immigrants, and the cull of the mermaid population will finally get under way tomorrow morning.
So, ya. Sorry about the lack of posting, but I’ll make up for it some other time. Perhaps we can do lunch.