Archive for the ‘The Mayor Goes Camping’ Category

No, The Mayor Is NOT In Jail

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

Do NOT believe the vicious rumors Joketurd® in Calgary has been spreading, The Mayor has not been incarcerated, he’s just working very hard at City Hall – working for the peoples. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s what the peoples deserve.

Things will settle down very soon around City Hall, the workload diminished, fun times are just around the corner. No, not the next corner, and not the corner after that, but quite possibly the fifth or sixth corner after the second one I mentioned.

So go out today and kick yourself in the face, just like the young man in the picture. And if you can’t kick yourself in the face, kick someone else in the face. And tell them The Mayor told you to do it. I take all responsibility for your actions today. But you owe me. BIG time.

Australian Factoids

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Todd from Oz doesn’t come around Mitchieville too often any more, but if he did, he would be the first to tell you that this may or may not be true. The Mayor tends to think it’s not true, something seems fishy about it. Or as the Aboriginals from Oz would say, “It’s Awl Bulshitt”.

What Does This Remind You Of?

Sunday, March 7th, 2010


Maybe the title should read, “WHO does this remind you of?”

Hint: A blogger. A Mitchievillian commenter. From the southern USA.

When you figure out the answer, you will poo brix.

The Mayor Goes Camping–Part 2/3

Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

There is nothing like a beautiful morning in Northern Ontario. The air is crisp, the sun is shining, I just got one of the best rub and tugs of my life, wow, the world is my oyster. It’s time to go spelunking.

I’ve managed to get my most manly frame through all the cracks and crevices of cave #1 and am ready to move on to a new adventure. Come with The Mayor, this is going to be a golden day!

I’m not sure how the hell I’m going to get out of this cave, it’s pretty small. My stomach hurts, is that rain I feel? It’s kind of cold down here, I’m hungry, is that a bear? Did I mention my tummy hurts?

This seems like a good place to take a shit. What? No shitting in the kettles? What kind of a stupid rule are you pikers making up? Sacred Indian what? Whatever, you’re oppressing me. Do you know who I am?!!! I’ll have your job, punk.

The end of a beautiful day. I wonder where my legitimate kids and TLDG are? Come to think of it, I haven’t seen them in about 4 hours. I hope they’re okay. I’m sure they are, I secretly packed them all 5 pounds of meat in their knap-sack.

The Mayor Goes Camping–Part 1/3

Monday, August 27th, 2007

TLDG, my two legitimate children and myself decided to get away last weekend. Being the Mayor of the 49th fastest growing community in NE Durham region, Ontario, Canada, North America, The World, The Universe, is very stressful, I really needed some me time.

We decided to go to the Warsaw caves, just outside beautiful Peterborough, Ontario. We couldn’t wait to leave our giant carbon footprint on momma earth, so we packed up our crap in our massive SUV and got the hell out of Dodge.

You may be able to read the history of the region by clicking on the picture, but if you can’t see it, the lowdown goes something like this: The geological history of the area begins 10,000 years ago, when the last of the glacial meltwalters surged down the Indian River on the way to Lake Iroquois. The level of the glacial spillway was at least 14 m above that of the present water level. The tremendous flow found its way through the crevices in the limestone bedrock. The pounding gradually created large underground stream channels and caves. The action of the rushing waters in the channel created whirlpools, which captured pebbles and boulders with its abrasive spinning action. These materials were gradually ground into the limestone bedrock creating numerous “potholes” or “kettles” which can be seen along the marked trails.

We made camp and got ready for some spelunking (caving), but before we left, a Ranger came by our site and gave up more history of this incredible region. He told us that the area was sacred Indian ground and after the local Indian tradition we should give ourselves names based on our personality, the way we are feeling and our mood.

I thought that this was a great idea, so my oldest legitimate went by the name, “Amused one”, my second legitimate, “Hungry Boy”, TLDG went by “Happy Face” and I went by “Hung like God-damned horse”.

It was getting late and we were all hungry. I pulled out the Coleman and set it up. I found the lighter and tried lighting the cooker, but the lighter was out of fluid. We also didn’t have any matches. I quickly became “Angry white man”, my younger legitimate “Starving Mouth”, my older legitimate, “Looking For IPod” and TLDG, “Wishing you would Shut Up”.

As we starved, it seemed the local vermin didn’t have a problem finding food. This really pissed me off. I drove 2 hours to get to this place and I don’t even have a fucking peanut. What kind of cruel God are you? Name change time: I became “Enraged Swearing Animal hater”, my older legitimate “Son that Backs Away From Elder”, the younger legitimate “Headaches” and TLDG, “One Who Will Drive off and Leave Your Complaining Asses Here”.

I went foraging for some vittles, I can’t have my family starve to death. Finally, after 4 hours of looking I came upon a family of eagles, which I promptly killed. Then I thought, “I really should have just drove the 5 minutes to the store, or even walked there”. Oh well, live and learn. My name quickly changed to, “Kills shit with bare hands and Cares Not”.

As you can see from the picture, it’s going to be a golden weekend.