Archive for the ‘The Mayor Is About To Be Rich’ Category

What Does This Remind You Of?

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

two-dogs

Maybe the title should read, “WHO does this remind you of?”

Hint: A blogger. A Mitchievillian commenter. From the southern USA.

When you figure out the answer, you will poo brix.

The Mayor Is about To Be Rich–Part 7

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

There are only a few steps left until I come into a massive amount of money. I’m giddy with excitement. I now have to deal with a Cote d’ivoire bank for a stretch and work out a few minor details. So far, everything is going easy peezie, lemon squeezie.

From the desk of
Mr. Pitton Patrick.
Director, Telex Department.
BICICI – Abidjan, Côte D’Ivoire.
Afrique De l’ouest.
Attn: Imperial Esso,

We received your eletronic mail dated 14/04/08 to our office regarding the transfer of the sum of USD $ 5, 000, 000.00 (Five Million United States Dollars Only) held on trust in our bank by late Engr. Norman R. Frank.

We write as follows:

For your information, late (Engr. Norman R. Frank) deposited the above said sum with our bank as part of his capital contribution for a joint business venture abroad with his next of kin in which the name was not indicated to us.

The fund in question were deposited on policy “TRANSFER AS RECEIVED” thus cannot be fragmented for telegraphic transfer. Now that we have received a letter of intent from you as the next of kin with accurate details of the deposit, hence this correspondence with you to ascertain whether or not you are the designated fund recipient before we proceed with the wire transfer.

You will be required (if you are the true next of kin) to provide immediately;

A) Copy of your International passport or National ID card.

As soon as we receive this information from you, we are going to send you a remittance form which you must fill in all your banking & contact information’s and return it to us for confirmation before the transfer will be done.

You are free to call the undersign telephone contact only on working days / hours, from Monday to Friday, Saturdays we do work half day.

Thank you.

Yours faithfully,

Mr. Pitton Patrick.
Director, Telex Department.
BICICI – Abidjan, Côte D’Ivoire.
Tel: +22501558613.

That sounds reasonable. So, all i have to do is send them my identification and i am on my way to 2.5 million buckaroonies. With all that money, I’m going to buy Fenris a hat, and possibly something frilly.

Here is my response to the bank:

To whom it may concern,

Mr. Eric told me to send you my passport ID information. Whatever Mr. Eric says, I do.

Sorry for the shape of my ID, my stupid pet llama pissed all over it and kind of buggered the thing up. He didn’t bugger it in a good way either, but in a crappy way, as you can clearly see.

If there is anything else I can do, please let me know. If there is any information I forgot to send, let me know., If there is any way I can get this money quick smart, let me know. If there is any chance you can send me that money before tomorrow, let me know.

Good day to you sir/madam.

Imperial Esso III–Son of Thurston Howell, mother of Queen Latifa

Here is the identification I provided them with–

I keep checking my bank account every 4 minutes, but so far nothing has arrived. I’m sure my money will be here by the time I wake up tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me!

The Mayor Is about To Be Rich–Part 6

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

You can feel the excitement mount as I get closer to that sweet cache of $2.5 million bucks. Hahaha, I used the words *mount* and *excitement* in the same sentence. Seeeeeexy.

I have four emails for you tonight/today. That’s, according to my calculations, twice as many emails to share with you than I usually share with you. That’s twice the fun, twice the merriment, and twice the mounted excitement.

If you remember yesterday’s post (if you don’t, feel free to punch yourself in the face), I sent the email to the bank in Cote Cote d’Ivoire, and am waiting patiently on maaaa monaaayyyyy. Seeing as though I’m not very patient, I sent an email to Mr. Eric, my Financial Advisor, inquiring as to where my fucking filthy lucre is:

Mr. Eric,

Any word on that money yet?

Imperial

See, I told you I sent hm an email wondering where my money is. Momma didn’t raise a liar. And his response was…

Imperial
I do not know what you mean by any word on the money what is the mean?
have you contact the bank for the transfer?
waiting your mail

What the fuck, I say. This will not do. I demand an answer to this faggotry:

Mr. Eric,

Are you being funny with me? What do you mean that you do not know what I mean. What I mean is what I meant, isn’t that what YOU mean?

Let me know about that money, I’m getting worried and my mom is not getting any younger.

Imperial

And the little dickens responds thusly:

my dear
please send me a copy of the letter that you got from our bank becoz i know that our bank have contact you for the transfer of the fund
thanks waiting

May Allah bless his sweet heart.

Tune in tomorrow of another thrilling episode of, “The Mayor Is about To Be Rich”.

The Mayor Is about To Be Rich–Part 5

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Mr. Eric, my Cote d’Ivoire Financial Advisor and myself have been furiously sending emails back and forth, trying to nail down the specifics of how I am to receive his most-generous offer of 2.5 million Americano buckaroonies. Tonight is special, I have two, yes, two emails to share with you. I know you will enjoy them, I know you better than you know yourself, you frisky little devils:

you have to send the email like this telex.dept.bicici.ci@financier.com

it will go

Mr. Eric

That wasn’t every exciting, was it? Here is my response:

Hi Mr. Eric,

I have sent the email and am now anxiously awaiting the money. In my mind I have already spent every last cent. I’ll get my mom fixed up, buy a new car, and maybe go to Moscow and buy a tramp and get loaded. Who knows, the world is my oyster.

Please let me know the second the dough arrives, I’ll be at my computer day and night in anticipation.

I’m so excited I could crap myself.

Yours in Christ,

Imperial Esso

The Mayor Is about To Be Rich–Part 4

Monday, April 21st, 2008

The most efficient Mr. Eric responds to my last email. I’m sure it’s just a matter of days until I’m bathing in filthy lucre:

Dear Imperial,

I got your mail and i am glad you have sent the letter of claim to the bank. Ok have you heard from the bank? Please advice if yes. But if you have not yet heard from the bank, then i suggest you re-send the letter of claim. Maybe the bank have not received it. Thanks. Am sure you know the bank’s correct email address? Here is the bank’s email address ones again so you can copy the letter and send to them now: (telex.dept.bicici.ci@financier.com)

Yours Mr Eric.

There seemed to be a small problem with the email addy that Mr. Eric gave me. Here is my email to Mr. Eric trying to fix el problemo:

Good day Mr. Eric,

There seems to be something wrong with that email address you gave me, I keep getting my emails sent back to me.

Is there any way we can do this transaction differently? What I am suggesting is this: can I send you my details to your home address, or is there any other way we can complete this without using the faulty email address you supplied me?

I’m curious, possibly bi-curious, but that’s not important right now. Anyhew, what are your thoughts on this?

Imperial Esso

The tension mounts…

The Mayor Is about To Be Rich–Part 3

Thursday, April 17th, 2008

The saga continues. Here is the third part, where Mr. Eric sends me some information to send to the bank

My Dear Imperial,

I have finished the programming of your information in the account file as i told you. And now i have prepare the letter of claim which you have to use and contact the bank officailly requesting them to begin with the funds transfer immedaitely. Inside the letter of claim, i have included all the secret information of the deposit which will make the bank beleive you are the next of kin and begin with the transfer. On top of the letter of claim, you will see the bank’s email address in which you have to send the letter to. When you get a reply from the bank, please let me know. Below is the letter of claim and just copy it and send it to the bank;
………………………………………………………………….
LETTER OF CLAIM
The desk of MR. PATRICK PITTON
DIRECTOR, TELEX DEPARTMENT.
BICICI BANK ABIDJAN COTE D’IVOIRE.
DIRECT LINE: +225.01.55.86.13.
email: telex.dept.bicici.ci@financier.com

This is to the entire member of Bicici bank CI West Africa, from Imperial Esso.I and all the family members of the late Engr. Norman R. Frank are apologizing for the delay in claim of our late brother’s fund in your custody. It was due to some huge circumstance beyond our control. Thank God that finally we have been able to resolve the matter and all of us have agreed to start the process of transferring the money to our designated bank account.

I hereby ask that Bicici bank CI West Africa should please take this issue very serious to ensure that our desire is achieved. We are also ready to comply or submit any requirements to reach our goal. Should we provide you with the agreement letter of all the members of the family and the account detail with the deposit documents to ensure that we are the next of kin. Below is details of the deposit of the money in your bank for your verifications;

DEPOSITOR NAME: Engr. Norman R. Frank
Passport number: A0160114
Account number: 0985200563301164
Date of deposit: 12/11/2000
Amount deposited: USD 5 Million

Your professional advice will be needed in this matter. We will be waiting anxiously to hear from you.

Yours sincerely,

Imperial Esso.

Here was my response:

Hi Mr. Eric,

I have sent the email and am now anxiously awaiting the money. In my mind I have already spent every last cent. I’ll get my mom fixed up, buy a new car, and maybe go to Moscow and buy a tramp and get loaded. Who knows, the world is my oyster.

Please let me know the second the dough arrives, I’ll be at my computer day and night in anticipation.

I’m so excited I could crap myself.

Yours in Christ,

Imperial Esso

I’ll post Part 4 tomorrow. We’ll most likely have this wrapped up in about 7 to 10 weeks. I can nearly smell all the money I’m about to get. Lucky me.

The Mayor Is about To Be Rich–Part 2

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

My quest to become a millionarre continues:

Dear Imperial,

I got your mail and i thank you. I know it will come to you as a surprise but you are really the person whom i contacted about the deal. I understand it’s making you sneeze. Ofcourse it’s a lot of money and anyone proposed of such offer is very lucky as you are now.

I got your name and details. Actually, i have programmed your names as the true next of kin to receive the money in the account file. I put all your names so that the bank will recorgnize you and begin with the transfer with you. By tomorrow morning, i will be sending you a letter of claim which you have to use and contact the bank officially for the transfer, requesting the bank to begin immediately with the transfer. Inside the letter of claim, i will include all the secret details of the deposit which will make the bank beleive you and begin with the transfer immedaitely. Thanks as i awaits your response.

Yours Mr Eric.

I couldn’t have been more happy, it looks like I’ll be a millionarre sooner than I thought, Here is my response to Mr. Eric:

Mr Eric,

My heartfelt thanks for your quick response.

My mother will be very happy to hear about this extraordinary news. She is scheduled to have an operation next Thursday to have her larynx removed, and to date I have only been able to come up with 1.2 out of the 1.8 million it will cost for this operation. What the hell I say, you only have one mother, and let’s face it, she needs her larynx.

When you have more detaials as to how you would like me to proceed, feel free to pass them on to me and I will be happy to do whatever, however, and most importantly, whomever.

Allah Ahkbar.

Imperial Esso

I will have part 3 tomorrow. Isn’t this exciting?

The Mayor Is about To Be Rich–Part 1

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

I don’t want you people to be jealous, but I have to tell you about an opportunity that just popped up out of nowhere. A few weeks ago I received an email from a gentleman from the Ivory Coast. I’ll let his email tell the story, but suffice to say, I am in line to make me a sweet couple of million within the next few weeks.

My business partner and I have been emailing back and forth, and I am going to share with you all of our correspondence. This is part 1, out of about 10, so far.

My name is Mr Eric Peter,

I work with one of the Banks here in abidjan cote d’ lvoire. I am the personal accounts manager to one Engr. Norman.R.Frank , a National of U.S.A from new york, who owned a construction company here in Ivory Coast (Cote D’Ivoire)norman construction company my client, his wife, and their three children were involved in the ill fated Kenya Airways crash in the coasts of Abidjan in January 2001 in which all passengers on board died.Since the death of my customer, I have made
several inquiries to his embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives but has been unsuccessful. After several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to contact you this huge deposit with our bank here in, where the deceased has an account valued at about US$5 million United States dollars. Being the personal a/c manager of the deceased’s bank account, the bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin/beneficiary or else the bank will declear the account unserviceable and thereby forfeit the funds to the bank treasury. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over the past 2 years now,I hereby seek your consent (with due respect and honour) to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the
proceeds of this account can be paid to you and then you and I will share the money 50 / 50.All .I require is your honest co-operation to enable us seeing this deal throw However, I urgently need you the following information from you which I have to place in the computer file of the deceased as next of kin/beneficiary:
(A) your full name,
(B) your date of birth
(C) resident address together with your telephone and fax for easy communication
I guarantee that this will be executed under all legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Need you be interest, kindly reach me via my private email as indicated above for further details. Thanks in advance as I anticipate your maximum o-operation in this regards. waiting your mail.
Mr Eric Peter

And here is my response:

Eric,

Your email comes as quite a surprise to me, I hope I am the only person you have contacted about this tremendous opportunity. 2.5 million dollars is nothing to sneeze at, and I say that while I am in fact, sneezing.

My name is Imperial Esso and I was born on a cold wintry night in Canada, August 14, 1962.

Let’s proceed with this. In the words of my tribal elders, let’s git ‘er dun!

Imperial Esso

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting episode of “The Mayor is About To Be Rich.”