Archive for the ‘The Mayor Ponders’ Category

The Man Hug – It Ends Today

Tuesday, March 18th, 2014

Other than sticking your fingers inside a smelly Tim Horton’s coffee cup in order to roll up the rim in the hopes of winning a donut or coffee, or drinking out of another persons water bottle, there are very few things in life as appalling as The Man Hug. We, as a peoples, managed to live on this earth for the better part of 72, 850 years without The Man Hug, but somewhere around 2005, some arsehole, or arseholes found it necessary to introduce this scourge into our every day life. This abomination must stop. And it must stop today.

There are very few reasons to embrace another man. If you fall off a cliff and lay at the bottom of a mountain and sustain two broken legs and a shattered spleen, and then are found by a search and rescue team who pull you up to their helicopter by ropes that dangle precariously around your waist, there is still no need to Man Hug your rescuers, a thank you will suffice. If you are in a jungle and are cornered by a hungry wildebeest, and out of nowhere some guy shows up and shoots the wildebeest in the face which in turn saves your life, a high five will do nicely, just keep your hugs to yourself, you big sissy.

A hug between father and son is appropriate at times. That’s different. A hug between guy friends is hardly ever appropriate. If your buddy’s mom dies and he tells you the news, it’s ok to grab him, with one hand, by his shoulder, give him a little shake and tell him you’re sorry for his loss. But keep your arms away from his neck, a Man Hug isn’t necessary. It’s just awkward.

If you’re into sports, there are times when a shoulder-to-shoulder Man Hug is acceptable. If it’s the bottom of the third and the outfielder makes a nice catch to end the inning, that certainly doesn’t call for a Man hug. Just smash your glove into his and make a joke about his mother. If it’s the bottom of the ninth and you’re ahead by a run and there’s a guy on first and the batter hits a line drive that the outfielder snags, winning the World Series, then yes, a small, respectable Man Hug is in order.

That’s about it.

There was a time not long ago (before 2005) when hugs were associated with women only. Women hug women for all sorts of stupid reasons, but that was their thing, not ours. Women would hug other women because of a relationship gone bad. They would hug each other when a relationship was going well. They would hug each other if they hadn’t seen each other for five minutes, and they would hug each other if one of them found a coupon for .25 cents off maxi pads. Women hug. alot.

But now guys are into hugs and it just doesn’t make sense. It goes against our nature. Instead of just saying hi, the first thing guys do now is reach out and hug their buddy. Wha da fuq?

This shit has to end NOW.

The Mayor has decided to take the lead on this. From this point forward, any attempted Man Hug on The Mayor’s person will result in a swift punch to said huggers chest. The Mayor doesn’t intend to leave his knuckle prints on said huggers chest cavity, but the punch will be hard enough to make said huggers eyes water.

That’s what The Mayor’s talking about.

Said hugger will also hear the words “no hug” after the punch has been delivered.

The Mayor understands that the pussification of the western male is nearly complete, but The Mayor will not go down gently. He will go down swinging. Man huggers beware. There will be no more warnings.

Software and Socialism

Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

Who would have thought that a botched software project would be the black swan that would bring down the Big Red Corporation? We are, alas, all familiar with the studied incompetence of employment equity hires. The vacant look when asked about results. The conversation shifts to hip hop music, and the commissars of political correctness redouble oppression to crush reality. How many times has this happened to you, you bug? Your small job, little piece of the world where you live, work, and shop? The floor is dirty, the serving tables are sticky, and the kitchen smells. It should not be that way, and never is, or was, when promotion was based on ability. Nope, we live in a world where all primates are equal, and some baboon has approved the hiring of chimps when it is an orangutang class job. You shrug, conceal your thoughts like a samurai, and move on. But who could have seen the supreme incompetence of being so stupid of billy bob basic core business strategy as to bungle the website that would bring universal health care to the masses? Dunce upon dunce!

Yes, the unthinking sheep actually care about this. They are, after a lifetime of brainwashing and sucking at the hose dispenser of white guilt, getting prickly. Having the Constitution read to them did not work, nor the ‘debt is bad’ lecture, and not even the ‘gravity never lets you down’ experiment. Nope, for our brothers and sisters who form the swing vote, it was the world class primate act of the bungled web site. Go figure. Now you know why America never became an Imperialist world power; for the same reason Mussolini’s Italy did not. Alas. For those of us who are condemned to an existence amongst the primates we can only shake our heads even as we look forward to a collapse of the dung hut empire of the progressives.

Ice Storm Central

Friday, April 12th, 2013

Today’s ice storm battered Mitchieville harder than an ex wife beating the snot out of her ex husband after he was 15 minutes late with the child support cheque. Yes, it was THAT terrible.

The Mayor doesn’t have any pictures of downed trees, or 20 car pile-ups, or even a solitary picture of an old hag breaking her hip and laying in the slushy crap Mommy Nature gave to us today, so you”ll just have to take The Mayor’s word for it that things got ugly fast. Sure, maybe not as ugly as the thought of watching Michael Moore gnaw on a double cheeseburger and large fries, but bad enough, lets me tells ya!

It’s great to have the site up again, it’s even greater knowing that you have come back to read The Mayor’s nonsense. Which reminds The Mayor – get a life, people!

J.C. Hardly Worth A Penney

Wednesday, May 16th, 2012

In after hours trading yesterday. J.C. Penney had its worst fall ever; sliding 20% and losing nearly 1.5 billion dollars:

Penney shares closed down $6.57 at $26.75 on Wednesday on the New York Stock Exchange. The decline was the worst percentage decline since the company started listing shares on the New York Stock Exchange in 1929, according to Center for Research in Security Prices at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business.

The retailer said on Tuesday that sales at stores open at least a year fell 18.9 percent in the first quarter, which coincided with the kickoff of its multi-year overhaul, and reported a loss, missing Wall Street estimates on both counts by a wide margin. The company also scrapped its dividend.

There will be much finger pointing and accusations as to whose fault it is that J.C. Penney is now worth less than their shitty Van Heusen shirts, but when all is said and done and an accurate take on what happened dawns on everyone, the fingers will be pointed squarely on their more-than-useless advertising team.

A while back J.C. Penney decided to change its image. Instead of making money hand over fist and selling the hell out of retail, they decided they needed to become more “socially conscious.” So J.C. Penney brought in a lesbian spokesmanperson and started running pro-homosexual, pro-gay marriage ads. J.C. Penney was so hellbent on social engineering, so hellbent on pushing a noxious agenda, that they totally drove away their most important customer base – women.

J.C. Penney’s ladies fashion is referred to as “lesbo wear.” The Mayor kids you not. Look it up. Google it. Professional women don’t go for the “lesbo look.” Look it up. Google it. J.C. Penney drove their customer base into the waiting arms of non-agenda-driven stores like Marshall’s, Kohl’s, etc.

J.C. Penney need to understand that there is a large segment of the population that doesn’t buy into the homosexual agenda. J.C. Penney isn’t going to change their opinion, either. They can run pro-homosexual ads until they’re blue in the face, but they need to prepare the “Going out of Business” signs if they continue doing so.

A Happy Thought From The Mayor

Thursday, April 19th, 2012

Dreams are useless, do yourself a favour and rid yourself of all dreams. It is much better to be a faceless cog in the giant machine we call life. That and this way, you get three squares a day, paid on the 1st and 15th, and if all goes right, one purple privilege token every two week’s. Work hard, pay your taxes, and leave the dreams to those that have a chance of actually accomplishing them.

This is sound advice from The Mayor, you would do well to heed these words.

Love,

The Mayor xoxo

The Mayor, DMorris, And Zimmerman The Jew

Monday, April 9th, 2012

As we do every Wednesday evening, The Mayor, DMorris, and the Jew Zimmerman got together at The Manor for a little Greco Roman wrestling. Typically, we like to wrestle each other about 25 times a night; three 3 minute bouts, with the winner sitting out the next bout, while the loser wrestles the guy who was on the sideline. After a few hours of wrestling we take a thirty minute break and enjoy a delicious Coho salmon ring with a spectacular cream cheese filling. The wrestling improves our upper-body strength and gives us better conditioning overall, while the Coho salmon ring gives us energy and tastes plain wonderful.

As The Mayor threw the Jew Zimmerman to the ground and pinned him for the zillionth time, we all took a break to enjoy our amazing Coho salmon ring. Usually we don’t talk much whilst eating our Coho salmon ring, as Coho is a food to reflect upon, not to jibber jabber with. But DMorris was in a chatty Cathy type ‘O mood and asked the Jew Zimmerman a question: “Say, what kind of a name is Zimmerman, are you German or something.”

“No, not German. Although many ignorant people think that, and some idiots even go as far as Goggling it up to find out the origin of my name. There was even one time when some sloppy malcontent spinster type said, ‘it’s German, as anyone with half a brain in their skull, at least in this part of the world, should know. Or so I thought.” She then went and Googled my name to find out if what she said was true. Imagine, calling someone a moron based on information she didn’t actually know, then going to Google to find out if what she said was true. In other words, some moron called my buddy a moron because he knew at the time exactly the same information she knew. Then she posted it on her shitty website, a website that is as boring as watching Coho salmon fishing, and some of her followers read it and started nodding their collective heads like trained seals.

It’s those *mightier than thou* attitudes that bug the crap out of me, The Jew Zimmerman went on to say. Like I need some broad who owns 12 cats defending me. What I need is for the hypocrites to mind their own bloody business and leave the thoughtful analysis to those that who actually have lives. The old and bitter and best served complaining about their bagels at Timmy’s, leave everything else to those with a pulse and a waking braincell.

We all agreed, and then laughed at the ignorance of old women with cats.

But DMorris wasn’t finished with that, the racist in him wouldn’t let it go.

“Are you sure you aint a Kraut? I mean, I heard that Zimmerman was a Kraut name?”

“Look, Dmorris, does Zimmerman sound like a Kraut name? Really? It’s as Jewish as lox. Was Bob Dylan a Kraut? Think about it.”

“Okay, Zimmerman, let’s say you ARE a Jew, tell me, what’s the deal with Jews having precious metals at the end of their names, like…”

“Ya, I know, like Gold and Silver and Diamond, right?”

“Yes. Why don’t Jews have other metals like bronze and aluminium and cobalt?”

“Seriously, DMorris?”

With that, Don reached across the table and grabbed the Jew Zimmerman by the throat, threw him off his chair, flew across the table and put him in a leg lace, ‘Tell me you’re a Kraut, Zimmerman, tell me or I’ll bust your leg!”

But Zimmerman would not admit to his German heritage, he was obviously Jew proud.

DMorris released the Jew Zimmerman from his leg lace and put him back in his chair and hand fed him some delicious Coho salmon from the Coho salmon ring with cream cheese filling (available at Sobey’s this week for only $14.95 plus applicable taxes).

“You’re alright, Zimmerman, said DMorris, you’re alright. For a Jew.”

And with that the three amigos laughed and laughed and laughed until a spot of seafood juice dripped from our left nipples. All at the same time. It was wonderful.

In conclusion: The Mayor, DMorris, and the Jew Zimmerman all came from different backgrounds. Zimmerman is supposedly a Jew (but Jews lie a lot, so we may never know), while The Mayor is Presbyterian, and DMorris is a filthy agnostic. We all come from different financial upbringings, different cultures, and different whatevers. But even though that’s the truth, the one thing that binds us together is our love of Greco Roman wrestling, coho salmon rings with cream cheese filling, and our hatred for old buttinski cat women who should know better than to stick their crooked noses into other peoples business. That pisses us off the most. Listen, cat women – don’t jump into a conversation halfway without knowing what’s going on, don’t start calling people racists without even knowing the first thing about them, and don’t comment on websites when you’re not familiar with the culture of said website. And for the followers of cat women websites – grow a freaking brain and stop bobbing your heads up and down like a plastic duck sipping water. You typical liberal idiots are driving the world insane, stop your shit and think for a second. Assholes.

Reproductive Rights….Rights, You’re Bloody Well Rights

Friday, March 16th, 2012

Ever since Rush Limbaugh called some college slut a slut, it seems that every other article in every publication has to do with reproductive rights. Boring. Even though the American economy is a disaster of Biblical proportions, Obama is on the verge of having Iran bombed to rubble, even though gas and food prices have skyrocketed over the last few years; even though housing has tanked and isn’t going to recover soon, even though America is $125 trillion in debt and is increasing its debt by $1.5 trillion a year – even though this, that and the other are happening at breakneck speed, the media is transfixed again on reproductive rights.

Holy shit, pass the Tylenol.

It makes sense to the left to keep harping on non-issue issues – like gay marriage, reproductive rights, whether Sloopy or whatever her pickle is called from Jersey Shore, whether she’ll have a boy idiot baby or a girl idiot baby. From a liberal standpoint, it makes sense to talk about this nonsense because it moves the spotlight away from the disaster the liberals have left America in, and puts the spotlight directly on the Conservatives. Conservatives must defend hypothetical situations, and the liberals get a free pass for destroying the USA. Being the drooling mutts that they are, the media lap it all up and encourage the fringe left to keep it going.

Reproductive rights. Every last boring Hollywood fool has been trotted out and asked their stupid opinion on the issue. Every last one of them play the martyr and tell sad tales about how horrible life has been because of Conservatives. Every last one of these useless idiots say the same, worn-out lie as the last useless idiot said: Conservatives = evil. Liberals = champions.

The latest useless Hollywood idiot to mouth off is none other than Anjelica Huston – please help us God. It seems that every last barren womb is on the TV speaking nonsense as if they had half a brain in their ugly head. My Lord, Anjelica Huston has dust mites in her barren womb and here she is talking about how Conservatives want to take away women’s reproductive rights. And who is she saying this to? Rosie O’Donnell. The Mayor kids you not. Possibly the ugliest actress ever, talking to a lesbian about reproductive rights.

The Mayor is about to say something that is absolutely true, but very seldom ever spoken: most Conservatives not-so-secretly want every single liberal to have full reproductive rights – if “reproductive rights” means free access to abortion and contraceptives. Most Conservatives – The Mayor included – also want every last liberal to have access to euthanasia and whatever other devices, pills, health care, weapons, bridges, or anything on this earth, that lets liberals snuff out the lives of their own. Sounds cruel? Tofu is cruel, The Mayor is only talking truth.

If liberals want contraceptives, give them everything they need. If that stops more liberals from being born, give them condoms by the skid load. If they want to euthanize their liberal parents, pass them a  handfull of cyanide pills. If they want to abort future liberal voters, hop up on the table bitch and spread ‘em.

Liberals are useless and value nothing, let’s stop messing around and let’s start saying what needs to be said. Liberals are destroying this world and it is time they hear the hard, honest truth – and that truth is that most Conservatives hate them. The Mayor sure as hell does. The Mayor doesn’t like most Conservatives, but liberals are just plain evil.

When it comes to reproductive rights, Conservatives need to encourage any form of anything that stops liberals from breeding. Conservatives should encourage other Conservatives to have 20 children a family, but when it comes to liberals, make it easy for them to get rid of each other. It’s for the common good. It’s actually for the children. Not their children, ours, after all, theirs are typically in a bag in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic.

Oh, and Anjelica Huston sucks monkey balls and has a face like a rats ass.

Happy St Paddy’s.

The Mayor’s Christmas Message

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

Another year nearly bites the dust and The Mayor is sitting here on the 23 of December wondering where it all went. Every year that goes by now seems like it’s on steroids. It’s Easter, tomorrow it’s Thanksgiving, and 20 minutes later it’s Christmas. We need to face facts: time is a cruel mistress that not even a heavy-handed, alcohol-fueled beating can tame.

Can The Mayor get an amen?

Time notwithstanding, Christmas is pretty great. Sure, there’s not a snowflake on the ground and it’s 50 degrees and sunny, but it’s not the weather that makes Christmas special, it’s the opportunity to spend precious time with family and friends. Or at least family. Or at least friends.

Everything else is icing on the cake. It’s spending time with loved one’s that counts. And as The Mayor mentioned above, time is a cruel mistress (a slut, actually), so you really have to get your time in when you can. Put it this way, next week Clare will be 3 years old. Yes. 3. Uh huh. Cruel mistress, indeed.

For many folks, 2011 was a hard year financially. Despite the government lies, we know unemployment skyrocketed in 2012, foreclosures were rampant, and more and more people either went on assistance or drained the savings they had. Our thoughts and prayers go out to these folks, we hope things turn around for them in 2012. We are all on the same sinking boat, and the neighbour that lost his job this week could be any of us at any given time. That’s a harsh, but true reality.

Anyway, The Mayor just re-read what he has typed out so far and he sees what a sad mess of a post it has been up to this point. A Christmas message should be upbeat, inspirational, maybe even horny. Mmmmmmm, ya, just like that.

But The Mayor’s Christmas message for 2011 is not going to be upbeat, or inspirational, and it’s not even going to be horny (except for this pic, this pic and this pic), it is going to be what it is. And that is up for dispute. Hrmmphh.

Merry Christmas to all,

The Mayor

The Mayor Solves A Mystery

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

 

Because according to a just filed motion by the MF Global liquidating trustee, it seems that the gross criminal activity by the company may have been orders of magnitude bigger than anyone has expected. To wit: “As a result of the apparent segregation violations and the suspension of clearing privileges, more than 150,000 customer accounts essentially were frozen on October 31, 2011, of which more than 50,000 accounts were regulated commodities customer accounts. The CME estimates that MFGI’s current segregated funds requirement is approximately $5.45 billion. Moreover, the total amount of MFGI customer segregated funds on deposit at the CME is approximately $2.5 billion, and the clearing-level segregated collateral is approximately $1.5 billion or approximately 60 percent of the MFGI customer segregated funds on deposit at the CME.”

**Zero Hedge

The Mayor thinks he knows where some of that money ended up

Do Better

Monday, September 19th, 2011

The Mayor was busy on the campaign trail this past weekend and didn’t have a chance to put up any top-notch, award winning posts. And for that he apologizes. Sorry. While on the campaign trail though, it occurred to The Mayor that every successful campaign has to have a fantastic slogan. Obama had “Hope & Change”, Bill Clinton had “It’s the economy, stupid”, and Bob Dole had the catchy slogan “I’m not dead yet.” And that got The Mayor thinking that he needed a catchy slogan as well.

“Do Better!”

That’s it. “Do Better!”

It can be written with or without an exclamation point, either way it’s top-notch.

“Do Better!”

We can all “Do Better!”, some of us more than others. And if we all “Do Better!” we can all have a better world. Because that’s what we need. A better world.

The Mayor would like you to think about that this upcoming week. While driving off to your well paying job, think about how you can “Do Better!” While sitting at the dinner table tonight eating your mac & cheese, think how you could have made that mac & cheese better. Maybe you could have added more cheese. That would have made it better. Or less cheese. Maybe you had too much cheese and you needed less. That would have made your meal better.

Think how and what you could do better. Neary all of us, sans The Mayor, could always do better. Some of you couldn’t do any worse, therefore, it will be easy for you to do better. Maybe you suck at everything, that’s a possibility. Hell knows The Mayor knows an awful lot of useless people. For them though, they shouldn’t think how to “Do Better!” in a crappier way, but should think of how to “Do Better!” in a positive way. Perhaps the useless could ”Do Better!” by stepping out of the way of people who aren’t as useless as them. Please discuss.

The Mayor isn’t sure that any of the other candidates running for Mayor of Mitchieville would want you to do better, but he highly doubts it. “Status quo all the way”, the other candidates are fond of saying. But The Mayor won’t stand for the status quo. He won’t stand for it, not for one second. And that’s because The Mayor wants everyone – no matter what race., religion or creed – to “Do Better!”

Now get out there and make The Mayor proud. Get out there and “Do Better!”

**This message was brought to you by the campaign to re-elect The Mayor 2011

Heading To Ribfest?

Monday, August 29th, 2011

Sure, but the face would make me go vegan.

The Mayor knows there are hundreds, possibly thousands of Mitchievillian’s that love going to Ribfest. The Mayor doesn’t deny he is a fan of the rib, but it’s time we face certain facts about Ribfests’: they are disgusting and should be banned.

Typically, Ribfests’ are held on the weekends during the hot weather months. Everybody loves a BBQ. Got it. But ribs are a food that need to be eaten in the privacy of one’s home, and never eaten in stinking hot weather, especially in front of people. The Mayor attended a Ribfest a few week’s back and nearly vomited at the sights he saw. 97 degrees in the shade and people were slopping ribs and sauce all around their fingers and face so much that The Mayor thought he was being over-run by zombies. The Mayor had never seen that much carnage happening at one place in his illustrious life. People were sweating into their food, then lapping it up faster than Tippy at the dog dish. Crap falling off their gross faces and back down onto their plates where they would pitchfork it back up with their crane-like fingers, making a temporary stop before being launched into their food holes.

Yes, The Mayor understands that’s what happens when one eats ribs. There is a mess, and there is copious amounts of slop. But seriously though, don’t eat them outside, in front of 2500 people, especially when its 97 degrees. When that sauce dries, it makes you look like you’ve applied your first coat of make-up for the Mentally Unbalanced Clown Parade. And it will dry fast, and you will have a face full of crusty bits hanging from your face, and yes, you will be spitting junk at people with that rib mouth of yours all damn night. Stop it. Just don’t do it. You’re killing me here.

Go eat your ribs in your filthy undwear for all The Mayor cares. But do it in the privacy of your own dirty house. Do not, and The Mayor repeats, DO NOT eat your ribs outside in front of people when it’s 97 degress out. Stay classy. Perverts.

Factoid

Friday, August 26th, 2011

There is not much more to add other than The Mayor just had a chill run up the rugged ladder of his spine.