Archive for the ‘Tom Cruise’ Category

Kelly McGillis – What The Hell Happened?

Monday, May 7th, 2012

Tom Cruise is an alien, and aliens don’t age, so he has an excuse. But Kelly McGillis? What the hell happened? Now she looks like your mom. Not The Mayor’s mom, but YOUR mom. Don’t talk about my mom…she can hear you.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Ketchup

Monday, November 30th, 2009

97% of American homes keep ketchup in their kitchen.

Each person eats about 3 bottles a year.

A tablespoon of ketchup has 16 calories and no fat.

4 tablespoons of ketchup have the nutritional value of an entire ripe, medium tomato.

As with wines, there are good and bad ketchup years depending on how sweet and flavorful the tomato harvest.

Most brands are made from tomato paste or tomato concentrate, boiled down in late summer when tomatoes are harvested, and used throughout the year to cook the final product.

Ketchup made in summer is made directly from ripe tomatoes.

Ketchup is great for restoring the glow to copper pots and pans. The acid in ketchup removes tarnish and brings out the shine.

In the 18th and 19th century, ketchup was a generic term used for various sauces whose only common ingredient was vinegar.

There is more to ketchup than just tomato ketchup. Some of the many varieties that have been popular include lobster, walnut, mushroom, cucumber, cranberry, oyster, lemon, grape, and anchovy.

Heinz ketchup was introduced in 1876 as a “Blessed relief for Mother and the other women in the household!”

Heinz sells more than 50% of the ketchup sold in the U.S.

Unopened bottles of ketchup can be stored for 1 year on a cool, dark, dry shelf. Tightly covered opened bottles will last a month in a cool, dark, dry place.

Richard Nixon liked ketchup on his cottage cheese.

Tomato Catsup has a high acid content (due to both the tomatoes and vinegar in it) and therefore does not have to be refrigerated after opening. It is safe to store it at room temperature, but it will taste better if kept refrigerated.

Sales of Salsa overtook Ketchup sales in 1991 (in terms of dollar value).

**Once again, Theo Spark supplied the content

Was Cher (tea) Bagging Tom Cruise?

Thursday, May 1st, 2008

In an interview with Oprah (you go girl!), Cher admitted to having a tryst with Tom Cruise. In other news, I’m vomiting in a Glad garbage bag:

“I was so crazy about him,” says Cher, who was 39 when she reportedly met the 23-year-old Cruise at a White House fund-raiser in the mid-’80s, not long after his breakthrough role in 1983’s Risky Business.

Instantly smitten with the young actor, Cher recalls, “He was so wonderful … And he was so, like, different.”

Winfrey’s audience particularly appreciated Cher’s remembrance of the “long date” she spent with Cruise – “I lived in his apartment,” she tells Winfrey – which elicited cheers from the crowd, reports Britain’s Daily Mail.

I wouldn’t think it would take much to keep Cher happy, maybe a salt-lick and a handful of oats.

Cher has always scared the hell out of me. I once had this terrible dream where I was in the same room as Cher and she saw me, walked over to where I was, pulled out her cock and beat me half to death with it.

Not that Tom Cruise would mind that, from the look of the picture he must have just whispered in her ear, “if you hold my junk like you hold that mic, I’ll give you some maize and an apple.”

Whoa, that’s some scary stuff!

The Superficial for the pic

NEXT–MindTrap Trivia

ALSO–Piece of Art or Piece of Shit?

Tom Cruise worships the moon gods

Wednesday, January 24th, 2007

Warning: This is NOT a *BITCH* post, because Tom Cruise is not a hunky piece of manflesh, but a washed up cult follower who may already believe he is “Christ-like”:

TOM Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.

And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

And I suppose Tom will save us all from global warming too? Until he is literally crucified for his views like Jesus, and rises from the dead in front of Hollywood cameras, the world should remember that Tom Cruise’s trade is acting.

I, Lisa, founding member of *BITCH*, and multicultural resident of London and Mitchieville, remind you that 99% of the time, celebrities should not be trusted.

Tom Cruise asks David Beckham to bend over

Monday, January 15th, 2007

According to recent rumors, David Beckham, a piece of manflesh who has made millions kicking around some balls, is about to sacrifice his mind and wallet to Xeno. His riches make him a likely candidate to reach the stage where he can regulate his body thetans.

Send Fenris your money right away. The murdered thetan souls are actively being oppressed by wealthy members of the Scientology counterrevolutionary bourgeoisie.

More cash for the cult?

Scientology’s chief cheerleader Tom Cruise helped tempt David Beckham to L.A., fueling speculation the soccer ace and his wife may become the church’s next celebrity converts.

Beckham said yesterday a late-night phone chat with the “Mission: Impossible” star helped seal his decision to move stateside.

The soccer great and his wife, Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham, are close buddies with Cruise and his spouse, Katie Holmes.

“I talked with [Cruise] for about an hour last night and an hour the night before,” Beckham said at a news conference held yesterday to discuss his five-year, $250 million deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy.

[..] Beckham’s move from Spanish club Real Madrid to the Los Angeles Galaxy makes him one of the world’s highest-paid athletes.

But he said yesterday the money and celebrity status weren’t reasons for his move.

“I’m coming there not to be a superstar,” he told the L.A. news conference via a live satellite link from Madrid.

I, Lisa, founding member of *BITCH*, and multicultural resident of London, Ontario, and Mitchieville contributed this important special service announcement which has been crossposted at The People’s Collective.

Sumner Redstone is Ball-less

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006

Viacom boss Sumner Redstone, in an interview with Vanity Fair, tells the real reason why he sacked Tom Cruise, and folks, hang on, for this is a good one:

Now the outspoken 83-year-old has told Vanity Fair it was his wife Paula who turned on Cruise first.

“Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate him,” Redstone said. “The truth of the matter is, I did listen to her, but I make business decisions myself.”

The sound of a whip on the back of an 83 year old man is particularly disturbing.

Sumner pretends that his wife didn’t make the decision to get rid of Tom Cruise, but the only person Sumner is kidding is the doctor that prescribes Sumner his Alzheimer’s medication.

Sumner Redstone must have had a terribly hard life walking around all his 83 years with no testicles. It’s a shame when a man loses his testicles and has to rely on his wife to make all his decisions for him. Sumner Redstone is inferring that he hates Tom Cruise, but the only thing he should hate is being neutered by his gonad snatching wife. “I hate Tom Cruise”, “Then I will remove him from the studio, honey”. “I want a Prada bag”, “What colour would you like, sweetheart?” “My ass is itchy, it needs to be scratched”, “Would you like me to scratch it with my fingernails or my teeth?”

Kids, let Sumner Redstone be your lesson. If you have a controling old bitty of a wife/girlfriend, get rid of her now, sell her on EBay. Just get rid of her for your own sake, cuz if you don’t, the next set of testicles you hear hit the floor may be your own.

Sumner has no cruise control

Paramount Cuts Ties With Tom Cruise

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

In a move which Hollyweird insiders describe as *bizarre*, Paramount Pictures has dumped America’s favourite dwarf:

Sumner Redstone, said Tuesday that Paramount Pictures was ending its 14-year relationship with the actor’s production company.

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal,” Redstone told The Wall Street Journal, which first reported the studio’s decision on its Web site. “His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”

And we all know how moralistic Hollyweirders can be.

If you think that Sumner Redstone canned Tom Cruise because his behaviour has been unacceptable, I would have to applaud your faith in mankind, but I would still have to laugh in your face and call you a moron.

Paramount couldn’t care less about Cruise’s behaviour off camera, hell, they employ every type of deviant known to man. If Sumner Redstone fired every actor/actress who’s behaviour has been *unacceptable*, they would be left filling leading roles with Pedro the janitor. Sumner Redstone fired Cruise because Cruise makes too much money and is costing Paramount an arm and a testicle. Case closed.

I truly hate Hollyweird types, they make me sick to my stomach. Sumner Redstone is a lying sack of shit who decided to fake the high road, but instead should be given sausage injections by packs of well-hung man rapists on a high road. To imply that Tom Cruise isn’t worthy of being a *Paramount actor* is laughable.

Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but he doesn’t take drugs, he doesn’t drink, and he doesn’t beat his wife. He leads a relatively clean life. He’s in a freak-show of a religion, but hey, it’s America, live and let live.

Sumner Redstone, you truly are the punchline to a bad joke. Go die.

Truth-A real Hollyweird Mission Impossible

A TomKat Fight

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

Katie and Tom fight. Katie not happy. Tom not happy. The Mayor not happy. Why no one happy? Big questions deserve big answers. Boo hoo:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly got into a big fight — that ended with Holmes deciding to take baby Suri to Ohio to introduce the infant to family and friends.

“He told Katie he wasn’t going, considering the bad relations between him and her family,” an “insider” told the mag. “Katie was really happy he said that, because she’d been afraid to admit to him that she didn’t want him to go.”

Of course, you all know what this means, don’t you? Sure you do. It means that Katie will be coming to Mitchieville to find the warm embrace of everyone’s favourite Mayor (that would be me).

Truth be told, I’m not sure if I can be around Katie any more, at this point she disgusts me. She will have to whisper some pretty sweet words into my ear if she wants to get back into my good books. If, by chance, she does manage to say all the things I want, nay, need to hear, then I will proceed to give her a full physical to see if she still is worthy of the touch of my manly hands.

First I will have to fully explore her nether region to make sure that her bastard child didn’t cause too much damage to her baby maker. I know this is unfair of me, but I need a woman who is tight, not a woman who makes me feel as if I’m rooting around in a bucket of mashed potatoes.

I’ve seen pictures of Katie’s tummy in the past few days, and it pains me to say that it is starting to resemble Freddy Krugers face. But I’m not all about looks, there is obviously a deeper side to me. But not right now there isn’t, there is only the superficial and horny me.

You know what I’m talking about, take that look of disgust off your face. Don’t judge me.

She will be mine again

Another beautiful picture from the good folks at Use My Computer

Cruise, Holmes Have Baby

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Finally, I’ve been waiting years for the seventh sign of the apocalypse:

LOS ANGELES – The Tomkitten has arrived. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the high-profile pair dubbed TomKat by the media, had a baby girl Tuesday, said Cruise spokesman Arnold Robinson. The baby, named Suri, weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measured 20 inches long, he said.

The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew, meaning “princess,” or in Persian, meaning “red rose,” the statement said.

No word on whether Tom ate the placenta, the baby, or both.

Details to follow.

Sacrifice the child to Xenu

Tom Cruise-Placenta Eater

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

A more disgusting title I have never thought up, but what the hell, it’s true:

The actor, 43, who wants her to give birth in silence according to his Scientology cult rules said: I’m gonna eat the placenta, too.

I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.

Why stop there? Hell, bring along a loaf of bread and make sandwiches for the whole delivery crew. Perhaps appetizers are in order. Maybe a bowl of Katie’s urine for refreshments, and possibly some feces on crackers would make great finger foods.

Since this is possibly the most disgusting post ever, maybe I’ll even suggest that right after Katie gives birth, Tom might want to consider giving her some oral. I’m kidding, oral would be gross.

Show of hands: Who else just puked?

Tom Cruise is Revealing

Tuesday, April 4th, 2006

Tom Cruise gets all misty in an interview with Parade magazine, and our favourite Hollyweird dwarf reveals the following:

“I had no really close friend,” he reveals in the April 9th edition of Parade magazine. “I was always the new kid with the wrong shoes, the wrong accent. I didn’t have the friend to share things with and confide in.”

And on his relationship with his father:

“He was a bully and a coward,” he says frankly. “He was the person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you.”

“It was a great lesson in my life — how he’d lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!” he says. “For me it was like, ‘There’s something wrong with this guy. Don’t trust him. Be careful around him.’ There’s that anxiety.”

If you can choke back the tears long enough, here’s a little more to whet your appetite:

The A-lister also opens up about his battle with dyslexia and recalls how perplexing it was for him to receive the diagnosis.

“The school took me to a psychiatrist to get tested,” he says. “They said, ‘Oh, he’s dyslexic.’ I’m labeled. It instantly put me into confusion. It was an absolute affront to my dignity.”

It made him determined to get to the bottom of the condition. “I remember thinking, ‘I’ve got to figure this out. What’s normal? Am I normal? Who’s to say what’s normal?’ I didn’t understand what ‘normal’ is. It still doesn’t make sense.”

Don’t cults look for people that have poor social skills, are abandoned by their family, and suffer from low self-esteem? I’m just wondering.

Even though I tend to rip into Tom Cruise every now and then, I still like the midget. I can’t deny that he’s a good actor, and there’s just something about him that’s likeable. Maybe it’s because he always seems to be banging some hot chick, I’m not sure. Right now though, I kind of pity him, although I wouldn’t think twice about stealing his PIN #, robbing him blind, and humping his girlfriend raw dog.

Life will be better for Tom when he is able to get back his full potential and operate as a pure disembodied soul. Praise be to Xenu.

Tom Cruise talks, and an angel loses their wings

Tom Cruise gets Razzed

Monday, January 30th, 2006

I’m not really all that interested in this particular piece of news, so instead of jabbering on about how Tom is nominated for this and that, blah blah blah, I’ll just tell you how my day went:

The actor was among the contenders announced on Monday for the annual Razzie Awards, which “honor” the worst achievements in film.

My day was alright, no complaints. I woke up about 5:30 like I always do. Went to the bathroom and had a pee, washed my hands, went into the kitchen and turned the kettle on. Then I went into my office and checked my email. After looking at about 20 or so, my water was ready, so I went into the kitchen and had a tea.

Cruise will compete for the year’s worst actor award with Will Ferrell (“Bewitched,” “Kicking & Screaming”), Jamie Kennedy (“Son of the Mask”), Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (“Doom”) and Rob Schneider (“Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”).

After my tea I went into the washroom and did the three esses. After finishing, I changed and went to work. I was at work around 7:00, read the headlines online, then got my secretary to fetch me a sausage McMuffin and a hash brown from McPukes. After I ate my garbage I got up out of my chair and made an appearance outside of my walls. I Yammered with everyone for about 2 hours, then I went into my office and laid down on the couch.

Foundation head John Wilson said in an interview he did not think Cruise’s portrayal of a working-class man in “War of the Worlds” was particularly credible.

I woke up way late, it was like 3:15 or something, I figured the day was shot, so I went to the indoor driving range and hit a bucket of balls. Actually, first I had a sub sandwich, a steak sub from Subway. After that I went to my club, played some raquetball, had a hottub and a sauna.

While there were arguably worse performances, Cruise’s off-screen antics, either in support of Scientology, or in the throes of passion with new girlfriend Katie Holmes, ensured he made the grade, Wilson said.

Hung out at the club’s bar for about 3 more hours, talked shit to some girls that are visiting from Czech, lovely ladies, I’m glad they’re having a blast in Mitchieville. After that I came home and here I am. That’s it.

I know, that wasn’t a very exciting post in the least. I’m actually quite ashamed of it. But you folks are demanding, you demand that I perform each and every day, and by gumbit, some days I got shit.

Know what I mean?