Those words is so purdy that I gots a tear in maaaa eye. I bet a whole bundle of you are wellin’ the heck up right now, and I can’t say I blames ya!

This Sunday is Valentine’s Day, spend it with the one you love (other than yourself). You’ll be told Valentine’s Day is like any other day of the year - do NOT believe that for one second. Go get your honey something nice this year, don’t blow it again. I mean, unless couch sleeping is your thing, than ya, go be an insensitive jackass.

If you consider yourself *street*, then this is the perfect gift to give your snuggle bunny this Valentine’s. Cuz when you’re in the hood, nothing says I love you like a bear covered in slang.

I know most of Mitchieville’s hot-blooded (and a few lukewarm-blooded) males are saying to themselves right now, “Would you be my Valentine?” in regard to the woman in the picture. Well, the answer is no. No, she will not be your Valentine. However, I’m sure if you asked her nicely, she would kick you in the face, and if you’re really lucky, you might catch a glimpse of her bum as she bends over to wipe your face blood off her boot with your cheesy $15 tie.

When all is said and done, that’s a pretty wonderful sentiment. Sure, it might not be as sweet as “I killed a Nazi with a ski-pole for your love”, but none-the-less it’s something special. Hallmark, you’ve outdone yourself this time.

Welcome to VD Week.

**I should mention that VD stands for Valentine’s Day, not to be confused with the communicable disease. That’s for another week.

On behalf of the government of Mitchieville, we would like to wish you the happiest VD you have ever had. May your VD drip with happiness. May your VD clear up all your blues. May your VD last forever.

The Mayor

When I was younger, I use to hang around this guy who had quite a way with the ladies. He wasn’t an overly good looking guy or anything, but he was a charming son of a bitch who had no fear whatsoever. I think it was his confidence that the ladies bought, it seems if a man is confident and charming, women will ignore the fact that his face looks like haggis.

Although my buddy was charming and confident, he was also a mean prick. Every Valentine’s Day, my friend would dump whoever he was dating. I never got a straight answer why he did this, but one time he told me he did it because, as he said, “It’s the best day to find single poon at the bar”.

The thing that I always remember vividly about that, is that he would go to the bar after breaking up with his girlfriend and be in the clutches of another woman within hours. Completely unfazed. He lost no sleep over it and had no scruples, that’s just the way life was for him.

One year, my buddy’s girlfriend caught wind of how he operated and decided to teach him a lesson by breaking up with him on Valentine’s. Had she waited 10 minutes, he would have broken up with her. You might think this would affect him in some way, being on the receiving end of a break up. You would be wrong. Later that night, my buddy went to the bar, picked up his ex-girlfriends friend, got her loaded and banged her.

There is no moral to this story, there isn’t really even much of a story to this story, but it is all true. And who, you ask, was my friend who did all those horrible things to women? It was dmorris.

True story. Tell Your friends.

Valentine’s Day is but a few short days away, a time where lovers will do lovey-dovey things, such as go out for romantic dinners, buy each other sexy gifts and engage in dirty bum sex. Many men will buy their lover red roses, a symbol of their purest love. This won’t happen in Saudi Arabia though, no sir/madam. Red roses are viewed as basically a gateway present which will inevitably lead to unmarried persons having *relations*. And that shit aint kosher in the big Saudi. Iyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy:

“They visited us last night,” the Saudi Gazette quoted an unidentified florist as saying.

It is not unusual for the Saudi vice squad to clamp down ahead of Valentine’s Day, which it sees as encouraging relations between men and women outside of wedlock, the newspaper said.

Every day it gets a tad bit harder for me to believe that there is no one culture better than any other.

It’s pretty sad that in some countries, like Saudi Arabia, the only time an unmarried guy is allowed to have a crush on a woman is if he’s actually crushing her head with a brick. Iyiyiyiyiyiyiy. It’s pretty sad that the term *Cupid’s arrow through her heart* is meant literally. Iyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi. It’s pretty sad that the only time a Saudi woman is allowed to get red roses is when they are being thrown on her coffin after she was beaten to death because she sported a little ankle, the dirty slut. Iyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Valentine’s is now less than a week away, yet another occasion to fill the coffers of Big Greeting Card. Man, Big Greeting Card doesn’t resonate the same as Big Oil or Big Pharm, but none-the-less, it’s time to start thinking about what to get your loved one. You really struck out with what you gave your lover last year, don’t let that happen again. What, you don’t remember what you got them? I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with clap. Oh, hahaha, sorry, it actually was clap. You so bad.

I can’t tell you what or what not to give to the person you so affectionately call *Lover face*, but I can tell you this: You are nearly out of time. Do not fuck up this year. The old standby are flowers and chocolate, and no matter what any numbskull on the tube or internets tells you, it’s a great gift…except if you’re a guy.

Guys are easier to get Valentine gifts for. The only thing you ladies have to do is buy a tee shirt and have the words “Open for business” stamped on it with an arrow pointed south towards your groinial region and you’ve pretty much covered Valentine’s, Easter and possibly his birthday.

So, good luck with that.