I never realized until I posted this picture and had a really good boo, but Chelsea Clinton sure has been cursed with her mother’s looks. Maybe not so much with the picture on the left – in that picture Chelsea looks like a cross between Bozo the Clown and a dirty sneaker, but she sure looks like her mother when it comes to that picture on the right. The only thing that would secure the deal is if Chelsea had a wicked pair of horns on her head and some fangs. But I’m sure she had those shortened for her wedding to that rich Jewish guy a few weeks back.

The picture on the left was taken in 1996 while Chelsea was just 16. The picture on the right was taken some time in 2009. I’m not sure how long apart that is in horse years , but I’m sure if we asked Chelsea, she could bang them out with her hoof. Another thing, I heard the hardest part about getting  Chelsea to the aisle a few week’s ago to get married, was pulling her away from her salt-lick. Word is they had to give her a whole bag of apples. But Chelsea doesn’t seem to worry too much about her looks, as a matter of fact, I’m sure if she had a chin she would keep it up.

The picture on the left shows a 46 (ish) year old Joan Van Arc. The picture on the left shows a 66 year old Joan Van Arc, now nicknamed “Arc of the covenant.”

The Mayor never thought Joan Van Arc to be sexy, she was always kinda there, like the closing time 2 am pick-up at the local watering hole. Hole being the operative word here. So, having not found Arc that attractive to begin with, it’s hard to knock her down any further because she hasn’t really slid into the gaping pit of ugliness any further. Not that she was ever ugly, just that she was never that attractive.

She has, however, had a bundle of plastic surgery just to retain her ordinary looks. Her face has been stretched and lifted at least a few times, and she’s had weekly botox for probably the last 25 years or so. She bleeds botulinum toxin like Rosie O’Donnell bleeds gravy. Now Arc needs to work on finding a decent hairstylist and doing something with that lizard neck of hers and she’d be doing alright.

Joan Van Arc – how uninteresting, eh folks?

The thing that amazes The Mayor so much about the earlier picture of Priscilla Presley, is that she actually looked like Michael Jackson. Imagine, when she was about 23 or so, she looked like her future husband. He was a lot whiter than she was, of course, but damn it all if she aint the spittin’ image in that picture.

In 2009, Priscilla was far removed from the days when she looked like Jackson. She left that stage and moved into a look that can only be described as “one that haunts houses.” Do not let that creature walk by your garden, as your roses will surely die.

I’m sure most of you think Priscilla looks pretty good for a 65 year old woman. I’m here to tell you that you are completely wrong. Chisel off the first 7″ of mortar, tar and make-up from that face, and you will see something held together by masking tape, Plaster of Paris, and Elmer’s glue.

It’s funny in a way, but the picture on the left is the one where Priscilla looks physically like Michael Jackson. Where as the picture on the right, she looks nothing like Michael Jackson, but her insides are IDENTICAL to what Jackson’s innards currently look like. Okay, maybe that’s not a funny ha ha , but more of a  ”funny/scary/get me out of here before she breathes her cold, icy death on me” ha ha.

Everybody and their stupid uncle Cletus knows who this worm is. Maybe not in the current form, but if you saw an updated picture, you would immediately say, “hey, I know who that worm is.”

Nowadays, worm is about 60 lbs heavier, but where he’s from, he would say he’s 3 stone heavier. He likes to walk around the beach fully clothed, probably due to the fact of his rolls of jelly are an embarrassment. He also travels the world, talking to heads of state, begging them to give poor people cash. He would never give poor people cash himself, but he has no trouble taking YOUR money to give to poor folk. Typical liberal scum, in The Mayor’s book. Do as I say, not as I do….

He’s part of one of the most popular rock groups ever - and to this day The Mayor hasn’t figured out the why these hacks are so loved. At best, The Mayor figures this group sucks, but they keep making unbelievably crappy discs that their tone deaf fans keep buying, so what can I say? Popularity breeds popularity, I suppose. I say that, yet I haven’t a clue what that means. Man, at this rate, I Could be the lyricist of this group in no time.

The guy in the picture became a star when he was just a teen, and has ridden (road?) that wave well into his 40’s where he currently is now. He and his group are still performing to packed venues, making wads of cash, and paying his taxes offshore so he can avoid the taxes of his own country. Yet he wants YOU to pay YOUR taxes to help the poor of other countries. What an unbelievably cocky prick he is. Man, The Mayor really hates this piece of work.

Anyway, who is this douchebag?

For those of you not familiar with the punk music scene of the late 70’s early 80’s, you’re probably not going to guess who these adorable little kittens are. So, you may as well just scroll down to the hockey prognostications, open up the comment section, and where Dmorris typed in Philly 6 Montreal 0, type LOLOLOLOL.

Both of these punks are long dead. She from a stab wound caused by either him, or from a confrontation from a drug deal gone wrong. At first, police arrested her boyfriend (the guy on the left in the picture) and charged him with murder, as it was his knife that killed her, and he couldn’t remember a thing about the night she died as he was hopped up on goofball or an equally debilitating drug.

A few months later, buddy in the picture died of a heroin overdose, heroin that his own mother had delivered for him at a party thrown in his honour because he was just released on bail.

A suicide note was later found and in it, buddy said he had a suicide pact with the woman in the picture, and he was just fulfilling his end of the bargain. He asked to be buried next to her. However, she was Jewish and was laid to rest in a Jewish cemetery, and he wasn’t Jewish so he wasn’t allowed to be buried next to her. You have to watch those Jews, they can be pretty sneaky sometimes. I keed, don’t call the Brith on me.

Anyway, that is their pathetic story and I feel dirty just typing it out.

Who is them?

If I was to give you more than a snippet of information about this woman, you would instantly put the math together and figure out who it is in under a second. Yes, that quickly. So, I’m going to dance around the information and try to lead you off track. Hey, look, is that an alligator??!!!!! Hahaha, you are SOOOO easy to fool.

I never really thought about this before, but the subject in question is/was a really beautiful young woman. From the angle of the picture, she has a startling resemblance to a popular pop star of Billhilly fame. In other pictures that I’ve seen of her she looks nothing like the Billhilly fame girl I just referred to.

What else can I tell you about this woman? Hmmmm. Oh right, she’s dead.

Who is this lovely non-living woman The Mayor is talking about?

Unless you’re of a certain age (old), you’re probably not going to know who these famous people are. When The Mayor first saw this picture, I thought the camera must have been broken, something was wrong with the film, or my monitor was pooched. Then TLDG pointed out that no, it’s none of that, the picture is actually in black & white? Black & white, I said, is that some sort of new technology? Apparently not, it’s a real old technology. I had to go to Wiki just to make sure.

The famous people in question are the two men at the front table and the singer. All three of these amazing musicians/composers/band leaders are long dead. Their music will last forever though, as all three of these folks were incredibly talented and were/are in a league of their own. Like The Mayor is. The only difference is I had Frosted Flakes for breakfast this morning, where as these these folks didn’t. Mayor 1, Dead people 0.

Who are these talented, yet dead people?

The Mayor has to come clean here: I don’t really know anything about these two people. That’s not completely true, I should say I know very little about these folks. I do know they are British born actors, were married for a spell, and the adorable woman in the polkadot dress died at a relatively young age. Other than that, I’m drawing a blank.

From the picture I can tell you one more interesting fact: In the mid 1950’s, it was fashionable for men to wear open-toed sandals with suits. A style that has, fortunately, died in its infancy.

Can any of The Mayor’s constituency tell me who these wacky kids are?

I would have to say the most impressive thing The Mayor found with Freddy Kruger wasn’t his ability to come back from the dead time after time after time, or his excellent fashion sense. No, The Mayor was most impressed by the way Mr Kruger could skate a fakie, then turn into a solid ollie followed by a crooked grind.

Suck on that, Tony Hawk, ya piker!

W.C. Fields and Groucho Marx, the stories they could tell. W.C. Fields and Karl Marx, the stories THEY could tell. W.C. Fields and Richard Marx, the stories they could tell.

W.C. Fields and pretty much anyone with the last name of Marx could tell some pretty amazing stories. Except for Harpo Marx, unless you wanted to hear a story played out via a bike horn.

What can possibly be worse than having a screaming, bratty child sit behind you the whole way on a trans-continental flight? Having the Sex Pistols sit behind you the whole way on a trans-continental flight.

My guess is that by the time this flight landed wherever it was landing, the little girl in the picture learned 7 new words.

At first blush, you’ll probably recognize who these guys are. Then you’ll notice in the middle of the picture there’s a squatting, cup holding guy that looks awfully familiar. And that’s because he IS awfully familiar.