As a progressive activist, I encourage the spending of other peoples money. One way I do this is to travel on a weekly basis to fight the good fight against whatever cause that sounds good, in an opportunistic way. Soon, I will have the opportunity to meet the star of The View, Whoopi Goldberg. But what do I call her? Is she a bitch, or a ho? Do I say, Hello Whoopi, you bitch; or do I say, Hello Whoopi, you ho?
Never again will I make a mistake in etiquette. No longer can I rely on the cultural norms that I learnt as a child. When I was a kid, to call a woman a bitch, or a ho, would result in a beating from my father. Canadians had two parent families back then. The minister would denounce me from the pulpit. Canadians went to church on Sundays, back then. The school principal would drag me into his office and reinforce what Dad and the Reverand Ian Paisley had said. Canadians valued education then, and showed respect to teachers. I would have been at home, sore from a beating, my mouth soapy, and feeling remorse, and never once would the thought of going into Dad’s shop and being irresponsible with his arsenal of firearms have occured to me. Back then, Canadians were responsible with firearms. Canada was a racist shithole.
But that was then, and this is now. The Vimy-Ridge-Canadian culture, a nightmare of responsible adults, a common culture, and respect for women, is now fading, thanks to political correctness. Now, I can call women bitch and ho. People sing about it all the time. When someone kicks a pregnant woman in the stomach, he gets an Anger Management course, he does not get lynched. We are so lucky to have a diversity of cultures of cherry pick from, ones that celebrate Baby Momma, Set the Snake God, and disrepect’n edu’m'cation. And Whoopi Goldberg is an activist actor fighting for this. So, is she a bitch or a ho?
This is a question in etiquette. If I call Whoopi Goldberg a ho, will I not offend vegetarians? Ho, or whores, are notorious cum guzzlers. This is a form of meat, is it not? So calling Whoopi Goldberg a ho is like implying she is an eater of meat and some sort of Earth-rapist.
If I call Whoopi Goldberg a bitch, will I not offend Michael-Vick-Dogfighting-Rights-Activist-Americans? After all, the terms for female dog and female Oppressed-American sound the same, but have different meanings. Or they could, if one has not progressed beyond a grade eight reading level. Those that celebrate ignorance of reason, especially those with unregistered firearms and a grudge against taxpayers, take offence easily. Just go to Jane and Finch, there are too few Bonobo-Canadians there.
So, I must turn the question to you, dear readers. If I am to celebrate the culture that Whoopi activates for, do I call her a bitch, or a ho? Perhaps there is a third option. I do not know what it is. Mike Harris cut social spending, so funding for language training in an eighty-word vocabulary language that uses a conjugate of the verb ‘to fuck’ in each sentence does not exist. Maybe there is a third way, a third word, that celebrates compromise, diversity, and genital canker awareness. Words like hag, or witch, or strumpet. Certainly beyond the eighty word limit, but with additional funding, our Oppressed-Canadians can stuff in the eight-first. Regardless, I leave the question to you, dear reader.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this at Mitchieville and DustMyBroom.