Archive for the ‘Workless’ Category


Monday, October 29th, 2012

The Mayor is hunkered down, waiting for the Storm of the Century® (SotC) to hit with its mighty force. Mighty mighty, force force. When it came to bringing in supplies, The Mayor took no chances and ordered in three cases of scotch this week instead of his regular *shipment* of one case.

Meteorologists (kinda if not totally rhymes with gynecologist) are calling for high winds and a lot of rain to hit Mitchieville and outlining areas. From the sound of it, it sure seems like we’re going to get…wait for it….wait for it…a storm.

Not to downplay this one bit, The Mayor wishes everyone a safe storm week, but when all is said and done, it will turn out to be a *storm*. Maybe the US will get hit really hard, but chances are that we in Mitchieville, and surrounding areas, will get hit with a *storm*.

Prepare accordingly. Wear appropriate weather gear and stock up on booze. This is your final warning, the *storm* will be here shortly.


Think You Have It Bad At Work

Monday, December 14th, 2009

This notice was found in a London office building. It was dated 1852.

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m.weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

Miss Homeless Wins Free Apartment For One Year

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009


Belgium judges have crowned Therese Van Belle as this years Miss Homeless:

Ten women battled it out in the final over the weekend – which aimed to bring attention to the plight of the country’s homeless.

Contestants had to make it through all five parts of the pageant, including a talk where judges assessed their “will to get themselves out of a difficult situation.”

Therese Van Belle, 58, won the crown and will now be able to stay in a rent-free flat for a year.

Organiser Aline Duportail told the Austrian Times: “It was about the contestants’ inner strength and determination to get themselves out of their old life and on a new path.”

“This is certainly a very good way to boost the contestants’ self-confidence.”

Yes, I’m sure the nine runner-ups will be way more confident tonight as they lay their head down on a milk carton and go to sleep in a dumpster.

Many of you might not believe that exploiting homeless women in order to bring awareness to a homeless problem that these same organizers are probably responsible for creating, is a good idea, but The Mayor sure does.

I look at the problem Toronto has with its homeless and I ask myself how is it that billions have been spent trying to combat homelessness, yet there are homeless people on every street corner in Toronto? You would think that with all the programs, all the free housing, all the benefits, and the decades of trying to help the homeless, that the problem would have disappeared by now, but yet it hasn’t. Why?

Well, at last count, there were 5000 homeless people in Toronto (3600 in homeless shelters, only 800 on the street). According to the City’s own statistics, the City of Toronto spent $161 million on various programs to help the homeless, or $31,000 per homeless person per year.

That’s a lot of ching. You would think that if each homeless person received $31,000.00 per year that the problem would vanish, but I’m afraid it’s not that easy.

If you just up and gave away all that money, what would happen to all the homeless industry jobs? The administrators, organizers, custodians, secretaries, directors, executives, superintendents, functionaries, and various bureaucrats would be out of a job, and that would create potential homelessness.

In the 1990’s the socialist government of Bob Rae opened up the doors to Ontario’s mental health institutions and let the mentally ill out, claiming against common sense that you can’t hold a person in an institution just because they’re mentally ill. The mentally ill have the right to be exploited, I guess. The streets of Toronto flooded with the diseased minds, and the Homeless Industry™ was born. More jobs for friends, and friends of friends, and like-minded people. Hurray!

Now it’s simply a rinse and repeat story. “We need more money for the Homeless Epidemic™.” In other words, my bro Johnny needs a cushy job.

And that’s the reason why I’m glad when someone says they want to bring attention to the plight of the homeless. So do I, I want everyone to know who’s responsible for a majority of it.

The Workless Household–It’s Not Like They Aren’t Trying

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

According to the BBC, there are over 3 million families in Britain that are regarded as “workless households”. *Reporter* Paula Dear interviews poverty dweller Elizabeth Malcolm, in order to get a better understanding of what life is like for the downtrodden and marginalized:

Elizabeth Malcolm, 43, has never had a job. She lives in a two-bedroom council flat in Glasgow with her three children, one grandchild, two cats and a hamster.

Neither of her two working-age children has a job.

She concedes that she doesn’t really know why she didn’t get a job, and that there was an element of just “not getting round” to it.

She doesn’t think school wanted her to stay on because she “wasn’t too bright” and used to bunk off a lot.

Without any qualifications she assumed she wasn’t able to follow her chosen path and join the Army. She never actually made it to the recruitment office to ask.

I’m trying to think if there are any positions at City Hall that Ms. Malcolm might fit into. Let’s see: She has never had a job and doesn’t have any actual skills–I suppose I could put her on the Human Rights tribunal.  Better yet, I could make her President of the CBC. She’d be perfect, especially considering that all she does all day is watch tv.