Welcome to Yahoo Personal Ads Interpreted. If you have not been privy to this segment before, the way it works is very simple. The Mayor takes an actual Yahoo Personal Ad, reads between the lines, and correctly interprets how the ad should read. Let’s face it, a personal ad is exactly like a resume: it is filled with nothing but lies and or half-truths. It is time for some exposing. Oh yes, it is time.
Here is a personal ad by a female unit who goes by the handle of FITTE1.
Let’s start with some random thoughts about me:
I was once described as a creative professional person, with a strange love of the extreme and unusual.
I had ambition to be the next pro-dodgeball player, but abandoned my dream in favour of being a pro-event planner.
I am as happy in sweats as in a cocktail dress.
Shy at first, but once you get to know me, you will wonder where the quiet person went.
Have a great appreciation for cheesy jokes.
I have a shoe problem.
I am amused by the simple things.
Can find the good in anyone or any situation.
My grandparents are my heroes.
Love skiing but haven’t been able to do it in Ontario since my last Whistler trip.
I am a coffee drinker. Starbucks is my preferred coffee shop. At work, I drink decaf.
When I was young I wanted to be a fireman.
I am hooked on sudoku, but can’t pronounce it.
My claim to fame is that I appeared in Owl Magazine when I was 12.
The Mayor will now interpret this ad:
My life is a complete and utter snorefest. Compared to me, golf is exciting. Listening to my nasally voice for even 30 seconds will give you the feeling that someone threw sand in your eyes. I have no fashion sense. You will usually see me dressed in lime green track-pants, Crocs, and a sweatshirt with a giant Tweety Bird emblazoned on the front. I smell like strong, stinky French cheese and I like to lick toilet seats. For fun I like to hit myself in the skull with a leg from an old table I keep in my dungeon and I also like to jam speaker wire into my eye socket. Elbow me in the face and I’m all yours.
I have one leg longer than the other and my face looks like someone slammed a car door on it. I drink puddle water and like to roll around in the feces of skunks. I braid my arm hair and I like to draw rudimentary pictures of tractor trailers.
I am looking for someone that has a pulse. If you like to be crowded and mentally abused 24/7/365 on a leap year, by someone who will take every second of your time and suck the life out of you like a Hoover on a small pile of cat hair, I’m your broad. At first I’ll seem kind of normal, even slightly interesting, but rest assured that I will monitor every aspect of your life to the point where you will dream of the day when you can drink a bucket of Fukishima Cola. I have hair growing on places where hair shouldn’t grow and I hang out at hospitals in the hope that I’ll see someone being wheeled in on a gurney.
My parents left when I was three because they hated me. They left me a note that actually said they hated me. I take that bitterness and apply it to every situation that arises in my life. I am totally heavy baggage and will talk nonsense every waking sentence. I like to smear French toast on my underarms and I have an operational ant-farm.
Text, email or give me a call